Paper Mario The Thousand Year Door, My Version
by The Golden Dragon Lord
Summary: The famous game of Paper Mario the Thousand Year Door but with my original character, Danielle, instead of Mario. Warning: will have foul language, dirty humor, tons of crack and Peach unable to spell. Will have adult situations and not for minors. You have been warned.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I've played this game so many times that I shouldn't even have to look up anything. Paper Mario 2 The Thousand Year Door and I don't own anything except for my own original characters.**

 **Warning: this story contains sexual situations, futanari, and anthropomorphic versions of Mario characters. If you are too young to read this, then hit the back button and come back when you're older, I won't be offended, I promise.**

 **Story Start!**

 ** _A long time ago there was a shining city that was pretty much a utopia for its time. The kingdom made everyone else's look like idiots in comparison it was so perfect. Sadly, there was some great catastrophe that destroyed the city and sent it deep underground._**

 ** _In time, a new town was built on top of the old one and stories of the great utopia were lost to memories. Still, there were rumors of a great treasure in the lost city under theirs._**

 ** _This where our story starts as a young princess in pink arrives on the scene in the new town of Rogueport…_**

Standing in the middle of town was young blonde Princess Peach as she made her way from the harbor, eager to start looking through town.

The blonde yawned, unafraid of scratching her rump through her pink dress. "Man, that boat ride was murder. Who's idea was it to take a small boat from town to town on the outskirts of the Mushroom Kingdom again?"

 **(Flashback)**

"Your highness," said a young toad maid as she bowed low to the ground. "We have an extremely important bill for you to look through that would increase security against giant turtle monsters and kidnapping attempts-"

"BORING!" yelled Princess Peach as she stood up from her throne. "TOADSWORTH! I need a vacation. Tell some toads that I'm going to go exploring on the outskirts of the Mushroom Kingdom by boat. Let's go bitches!"

The toad looked confused as Princess Peach and an elderly toad man ran out of the throne room, the bill she had been holding flew out of her hand into the fire nearby. She shook her head and left as well. "I need booze."

 **(End Flashback)**

"Stupid Toadsworth for forcing me on this trip," Peach snorted, looking annoyed. She then rubbed her neck and grimaced. "The least he could have done was not use a shock collar to keep me in his sight at all times. Its not like I'm getting kidnapped here. All I have to do is avoid talking to strangers and-"

"Hello young miss," said a strange figure in front of a stall with various knicknacks and other things for sale. "Might I interest you in-?"

"SHOPPING! OH THANK GRAMBI, I THOUGHT I WOULD NEVER SEE THIS AGAIN!" Peach rushed forward started looking through the various things the mysterious woman had for sale. The fact that the woman hadn't removed her hood or shown her face didn't bother Peach at all.

The figure coughed. "Uh, anyway. How about this box? Legends say that it will only open to those that are pure of heart." She tried to open it but it wouldn't budge. "You see? It will not open for one like I. Why don't you try it?"

Peach frowned as she thought about it. "I don't know. Some strange person telling me to open a box when neither of us actually know what's inside…"

"It could be chocolate," suggested the peddler.

"I LIKE CHOCOLATE!"

Peach took the box and it opened in her hands, engulfing both her and the screen in a bright white light, blinding everyone.

 **Prologue**

 **A Rogue's Welcome**

In a quaint part of the Mushroom Kingdom relatively close to the princess's castle, laid the house of the hero sisters. Since Mario and Luigi are constantly busy with their Super Mario Maker game now, Danielle and Hermione are taking their places. Don't like it? Tough. Either hit the back button and get out of this story or deal since I'm not changing it.

Danielle and Hermione were passed out on the floor of their home, not hearing Parakarry from the first game call out that the mail had arrived. Both sisters were recovering from their amazing party the previous night where tons of booze, alcohol, spirits and more booze had been flowing like water. Several passed out hookers were occupying the various chairs and couches, all with cum oozing out of their abused holes.

Danielle, an auburn haired twenty-two year old girl, was starting to stir from her spot on the floor next to the couch, groaning at the bright sun bearing down on her poor eyes; her dick was sore, as was the rest of her body, and looking over at her younger sister, Hermione was too. Hermione was twenty-two as well, since it's just plain weird for her to be younger than Danielle so they were born at the same time.

I don't know how either, just roll with it.

Hermione was a brunette who's bushy hair had been tamed to be merely curly. She was currently cuddling into a Brazilian hooker, her own dick inches away from the whore's womanhood again.

Several hours later and after all of the hookers had left, Hermione stretched and sat down heavily at the kitchen table, trying to stop her pounding headache. "Ow, why did we have a party again?"

Danielle, who was also trying to nurse her own headache, looked at her. "Remember? I saved Peach from Bowser's flying castle and rescued the Star Spirits last week. Of course, all of that partying dropped me down to level one again and Peach took all of my healing items, badges and most of my coins so I'm doing great."

"Why did Peach steal most of your things?"

"Because she's a bitch and she said something about saving the Kingdom's economy by selling my stuff."

Hermione stared at her. "Why do you like her again?"

Danielle snorted. "I don't. I only save her from Bowser because he would be the worst of two evils. I mean, yeah, she's hot, but she can't even do elementary school math."

"Ah." When Hermione's headache died down enough, she sighed and went to get the mail. "I swear, if this is yet another love letter from that old toad down the block I will grab a fire flower and torch his ass." Luckily, there wasn't a letter from him that day but there was one from Princess Peach. "Great, what does she want now?"

Opening the envelope, she got back into the house, still reading it and laughing, shaking her head. Danielle blearily looked up and frowned. "What's got you laughing like that?"

Hermione snickered. "You just got a letter from the princess. Hang on, this is classic." Giving the red head the letter, Danielle took it and grimaced at the sheer number of spelling errors.

 _Deer, Danielle/Hermy_

 _Hay! I'm on my ushal vacashion and got to this tuwn called Rogueport or somfing. I was walking arund and this reelly old ladi gave me a map! A MAJICAL Map. It culd leade to treashure and I neede you to cum and help me seence I'm too week to do it meself! I'm givin you the map wit this ledder so you can bring it wheen you cum. That meens you cum or I'll have you X-cuted! Hugs and kisses, Peach._

Danielle stared at the letter in horror as she struggled not to run into the bathroom to throw up at the horrible grammar. Hermione took a picture of the look of horror on her sister's face before she broke out laughing, making Danielle glare at her. "Not funny."

"It is too funny," Hermione shot back, still laughing. "You have no badges, no items, and about, what, one hundred twenty coins left? Not to mention you are at level one again. Have fun saving the princess this time!"

"I hate you, with all of my hate," Danielle groaned, slamming her head on the table. "I have to find some way to Rogueport now and I'll probably have only a hundred coins or so when I get there. This is just great."

"Have fun," said Hermione, snickering. She then grimaced at seeing the mess the party had left. "Oh, uh, you mind helping me clean before you…" She trailed off when she saw she was alone. She frowned. "Damn it."

XXXXXX

Sure enough, she was down to only a hundred coins when she got onto the boat to get to Rogueport. Rolling her eyes, she found out it would take several hours before she got to the stupid town so she spent it on a spare bed, passed out and trying to catch up on her sleep.

In next to no time, she was being woken up by some brave toad as she did her rounds. "Uh, excuse me, miss? We're arriving in Rogueport in just a few minutes."

Danielle sighed and nodded, standing up as she adjusted herself. She was wearing Mario's standard clothes again of a red shirt and blue overalls along with the standard red hat. She also had on hard boots and had a hammer that conveniently vanished when she didn't need it. Stupid Peach for selling the upgraded boots and hammer she got from her last adventure, leaving her with only the things she had on her.

Letting out a deep breath, she was the first, last and only passenger on the boat as she jumped off onto a harbor. It didn't look very impressive, only a few Bob-ombs and toads walking around working with some cargo. Taking the moment to look around, she pulled up her stats.

 **Danielle**

 **HP: 10/10**

 **FP: 5/5**

 **BP: 3**

HP was her health, naturally, FP was needed for special moves and she only had three BP, which she needed to put on badges. She grumbled as she hated being at level one again but shrugged it off, figuring she might as well get this over with.

Saving at a nearby save block, which hadn't changed from the first game, she got some background information on the town from a few workers before making her way away from the harbor.

"Help! Someone!" Looking, Danielle saw a Goomba girl that looked to be about twenty crying out for help. She was wearing an archeologist outfit and a pith helmet that didn't hide her blonde hair, which was done in a high ponytail. Standing around Five foot seven, Danielle was glad that this world's characters were much more humanized than in the games, where she wouldn't look anywhere near this hot.

The attacker was some guy that looked to be in his thirties and looked a lot like a purple clad Robotnik from the Sonic games. The only difference was that he was wearing a helmet that would put Dark Helmet to shame and goggles so his eyes couldn't be seen. Still, he was approaching the Goomba girl in a threatening manner.

"Yell all you want, girl, but you're coming with me. I know that it might be hard for you, but don't play dumb with us. You're asking a lot of questions that we can't ignore. Buh, buh, bwa ha ha."

The girl looked around frantically but couldn't see an escape route. "I don't want to face you clowns. I'll scream! I mean it!" Turning around, she saw Danielle and quickly hid behind her, making the red head blink. "Hey, protect me, would you?"

"What?"

The Robotnik wannabe glared at them before turning to Danielle. "You think you can protect her from the X-Nauts? That's funny. Prepare for pain hero girl!"

 **Battle Mode!**

Blinking as she was suddenly standing on a stage with the crazy Robotnik guy on the other end, the various things from the main screen were now just props and set pieces here. "What the-?"

"Ding. In this game, there is a normal screen and a battle screen that resembles a stage show production. When the battle is over, you will receive star points for experience and go back to the main screen. The battle screen makes everything turn based so you cannot make a move early."

"Well that sucks."

"Hey, Miss," said the Goomba girl, who was still standing behind her in this battle screen. "You do know how to fight, right? Just choose an action and press the A button."

"Did you just break the fourth wall?" asked Danielle before shrugging and saw that a few options were available. The four in total were: Jump, Hammer, Items and Strategy. The last two were grayed out, meaning she couldn't use them, but when she chose jump, a little arrow pointed over the bad guy, a little text box above showing that his name was: Lord Crump. She also saw that she had to press the A button just before landing on Crump to do more damage than usual. "Interesting."

Sure that this game was messing with her and the whole A button thing, she picked Jump again and she was able to run forward and jump into the air, focusing at the last moment and managing to jump straight up instead of away and landing on Crump again, causing two hits each with a little number one inside of a star, proving she had done two points of damage in total.

"Yeah!" said the Goomba, cheering. "You're stronger than you look!"

Crump rubbed his head in anger. "Okay, now you've done it! Time to give you the old Crump-a-bomb!" He ran forward in a tackle attack but, her reflexes from the first game kicking in, she counter attacked and did him a point of damage. "Ow! That wasn't supposed to happen."

Picking hammer this time, Danielle saw that she was supposed to move the control stick to the left until the little light came on before letting go. What she did instead was simply charge her hammer a bit before slamming it on Crump's head, creating a little star with the number two inside, doing another two points of damage.

Crump only had five HP so he was done, giving Danielle about nine star points as experience.

 **Battle mode over**

"You did it!" The Goomba girl cheered as they were now back in the normal world.

Crump, angry that he had lost, growled. "Okay, so you may have won, but…" He seemed to smirk under his helmet. "IT'S GO TIME! X-NAUTS! FORM UP!"

In a mere second, Danielle and her new companion were surrounded by smaller guys about the Goomba girl's size who's red and white uniform completely covered their bodies. "Uh, oh."

"ATTACK!"

Every X-Naut started jumping on the two heroes at the same time in mass chaos, the entire harbor in danger from their attacks.

Danielle and the Goomba girl had managed to simply walk around some of the bad guys and were running up a flight of stairs toward the main city square. The Goomba girl shook her head. "Wow, they aren't even noticing us leaving. Losers, let's go!"

As soon as they vanished into the city square, Lord Crump looked around. "Wait, hold up!" Every X-Naut stopped jumping around and formed up into a large circle. Crump looked around and nodded, satisfied. "Good work boys. We smashed them so good they vanished into oblivion!"

"SIR!"

XXXXXX

When they were at the town square, Danielle took in a deep breath and let it out as she looked at the Goomba girl next to her, who was looking relieved she was away from those guys. She turned to Danielle with a smile. "Thanks, if you hadn't come around…anyway, thanks again. I'm Goombella by the way, who are you?"

Danielle stared at her for a moment before shrugging. "Danielle."

That caused Goombella's eyes to widen. "Wait, the heroine of the Mushroom Kingdom? Oh my Grambi! That is so amazing I'm meeting you! What are you doing here of all places?"

"Trying to find Princess Peach," said Danielle, rolling her eyes. "She apparently found a map around here and she wants me to help her find the treasure at the end. I just got off the boat so I have no idea where she is though."

"Tell me about it," said Goombella, nodding. "I just got off the boat myself and the only thing I've been able to do is ask around for my professor, who is researching the Thousand Year Door under the city. He said something about a magical map being important to finding the treasure behind it…" She trailed off as she and Danielle stared at each other in surprise. "You think-?"

"That the treasure behind this 'Thousand Year Door' and the treasure the Princess wants to find is the same thing? I'm pretty sure it is. Besides, she sent me the map in question." Pulling out the map, Goombella nodded as she examined it.

"Yep, we've got to show this to my Professor. He should know all about it and maybe give us a lead as to where the Princess is too."

"Works for me," said Danielle who was about to turn into the town when she heard a voice that made her stop.

"Ah, Mistress Danielle!" The voice belonged to an elderly toad walking toward them with a cane in hand as he approached them. Toadsworth nodded to them as he arrived. "May I ask what brings you here to this wretched armpit of a city?"

"The princess told me to come or else she would have me executed for not helping her with a treasure hunt," Danielle deadpanned, which flew over Toadsworth's head but not over Goombella's, who looked at her questioningly.

"Ah," said the old toad. "The princess and I came here to acquire a spot of fuel for our boat and left the princess in a shock collar so she couldn't leave or get kidnapped. No idea how she managed to get the collar off but when I came back she was gone. Been kidnapped again I daresay."

"Yes, that is a shame," said Danielle through gritted teeth, trying to ignore the two Rogueport mafias fighting in the background. "And what is being done to try and find her?" she asked, already knowing the answer.

"Now that you are on the case, Mistress Danielle, I feel much better about the situation. I'll leave this in your capable hands." He seemingly didn't notice the large amount of killer intent Danielle was sending his way as he continued. "Well, I'll just stay over there at the inn until you recover the princess. Anytime you want to see me, just drop on INN!" There was an awkward pause as Danielle sent him a deadpanned stare. "Yes, anyway, I'll just be going." He wandered over the nearby inn, huffing along the way.

Goombella turned to face Danielle with an odd look on her face. "Someone kidnapped the princess AGAIN? It looks like the only lead we have is seeing my professor and getting some info on finding the treasure. Looks like I'm coming with you."

What she didn't say was that Danielle's natural pheromones that she got from saving all of the Star Spirits in the first game were so strong that girls literally got horny just by being in her presence. Already the goomba girl was hoping that no one would notice her rubbing her thighs together.

Before Danielle could say anything, there was a large burst of music only she could hear and the game dinged at her.

 **"Congratulations, Goombella has joined your party! Goombella can tell you about various people, things, and places by just asking. She's full of information on anything and everything so ask her for advice often. In battle she can use Tattle on her opponents to tell you about various strengths, weaknesses and stats. She can also do damage with her headbonk ability."**

"Fun…" muttered Danielle as she rolled her eyes. She looked back at Goombella, who was looking at her expectantly. "So, where does your professor live?"

Goombella thought about it. "Well, I think he said he got some place on the Rogueport's east side so we should start there. We kind of got separated after we got our boat tickets to get here so I don't know exactly where."

"Is he your college professor or something?"

She nodded. "Yep! I attend classes at the University of Goom on the far side of the Mushroom Kingdom. Let's just say I had to do a lot of favors to get Professor Frankly to allow me to come."

 **(Flashback)**

Goombella, who was wearing clown make up on her face along with a red frizzy wig and clown shoes, was for some reason cleaning her professor's toilet in his house. It didn't help that was all she was wearing so her body was on full display.

"Uh, Professor Frankly? Are you sure you have all of your students do this for a letter of recommendation?"

"Of course! Well, the female ones anyway. Now, back to work clown slave!"

 **(End flashback)**

"I really don't want to talk about it," said Goombella, shuddering slightly as they made their way around the town square. "Oh, right. _This is the Rogueport Town square, a sort of hub between commerce and housing as there are a couple of livable houses here. There's an inn with a pub here along with an item shop, a badge shop, and the way into the east and west sides of town."_

"Going to be doing that often?" Danielle asked as they made their way east. The town was very rundown in her opinion with the walls covered with graffiti, the locals looking at her suspiciously and a hangman's noose in the middle of the square; probably a relic from the distant past or something.

"Not if you don't want me to," said Goombella honestly. "I'm good with just doing a quick bio of the various people we meet if you want that."

Danielle shrugged, not really caring that much as they walked a screen to the right and into the east side of town. The moment they came onto the new screen, a bandit ran right at them and, bumping into them, ran off again. "Move aside buddy!"

Danielle glared at him. "I'm not your buddy, guy!" She then blinked and looked at her coin total, finding she only fifty now. "Oh son of a Blooper! He stole my money!"

"It was, what, fifty coins?" Goombella asked, before she had to run to keep up with Danielle chasing after the bandit. After a long chase, they finally found him in some run down house behind the inn/bar. The blue bandit instantly paled at seeing them, especially seeing how angry Danielle was. "There he is!"

"Whoa, hang on there guy!" said the bandit as Danielle pulled out her hammer.

"I'm not your guy, friend!" said Danielle as she tried to pound him.

"Well I'm not your friend, buddy!"

"I'm not your buddy, guy!"

"And I'm not your guy, friend!"

"Can you please just give us our fifty coins back?" Goombella almost shouted, trying to get that South Park reference out of her head. What? She is a college student. It would be strange is she HADN'T heard of South Park.

Back to Danielle, she kicked the bandit in the balls before forcibly taking back her money, leaving the guy in a fetal position, crying out in pain. "Pansy." She looked at Goombella and smiled. "Come on, I need a drink. You want one?"

Goombella took a look at the poor guy and Danielle before nodding. "Totally. Good thing Rogueport doesn't have any restrictions on drinking."

Going around the corner and back to the village square, they got into the pub with no problem and sat down at the bar. The bartender, a guy named Podley, nodded to them as they perused the drinks. "New here? What will you have?"

Danielle shrugged and put the booze list down. "Just a couple of shots of whiskey for me. Goombella?"

The female Goomba was going over the list and he clearly never even heard of some of these drinks before. "Uh…have something for first time drinkers?"

Podley shook his head and rolled his eyes. "I recommend something light, for starters. I have some hard lemonade you might like."

"Good enough for me," said Goombella, ignoring Danielle's cough that questioned her tolerance for alcohol. "So, you got that map from Princess Peach?"

"Yeah," said Danielle, rolling her eyes as they got their drinks. "Right pain in the ass she is most of the time. Always looking to do things and she gets herself captured during most of them. I keep telling her to not update her Facebook page telling the world where she is at that moment but of course she won't listen."

"She tells everyone where she is on her Facebook page?" Goombella asked as she opened her can and took a drink. Tasting it, she shrugged. "Can't really tell the difference between this and regular carbonated lemonade, actually. It isn't bad."

"I bet," said Danielle, smirking as she downed one of her shots. "How does your power work by the way? Do you just psychically know everything about someone or what?"

"I think it's a super power or something, actually," said Goombella, grinning. "I can tell you almost anything about anyone here in this bar for example."

"Oh, what about Podley?"

Looking at the bartender, who was writing dark and gothic poetry in a corner of the bar, she nodded. "Okay, sure. Name is Podley and he's fifty-six. Has been a bartender for the past thirty years and has worked here in this bar for the past twenty-five. He's secretly a Goth and spends half of his time on dark poetry that Edgar Allen Poe would think twice about. He's had four lovers in the past but have all been one night stands. He's straight."

"Interesting," said Danielle, nodding. She turned and saw some strange guy in a fancy red suit singing at one of the tables. She smirked. "What about him? I bet he's gay or something."

Goombella looked at him and raised an eyebrow. "Okay, his name is Flavio and is twenty-five. He has a successful shipping company but he also goes on long winded stories that have no end in sight, thus making people think twice about hiring him. He's stinking rich but spends most of his time here for some off the wall reason. He has had no lovers in his life and his orientation is questionable at best."

Danielle snorted in amusement as she downed her other shot. "Good to know. You done with that?" she asked, gesturing toward her can.

The blonde Goomba downed the last of her drink and nodded. Danielle put a few coins on the counter and they both left, heading east toward Frankly's house again. Passing by a couple of houses, they finally found his house after Goombella pulled out her GPS and found it right away.

Getting to Frankly's house wasn't the hard part, what was annoying though was that the door was locked. Goombella frowned. "Great, just great." She knocked on the door several times, yelling through the door. "Hey, Frankly, it's me! Open the door!"

Danielle watched as Goombella tried and failed to get Frankly to open the door for several minutes before she figured she might as well do it her way. Pushing Goombella out of the way, she pulled out her hammer and slammed on the door as hard as she could, breaking the door down and granting them access to the house.

"Danielle!" Goombella yelled, looking at her in horror. "Why would you do that?"

"Because your way was taking too long and now we're inside. You're welcome." Putting away her hammer, she walked inside and saw an elderly Goomba guy listening to music as he researched something in a book, completely ignorant of the fact that his door was broken. "Yo! Old guy!"

"Professor!" yelled Goombella finally getting the old guy's attention by taking away his book.

"Who? What? Oh, it's you, the clown college student that came with me to this idiotic ghetto in the middle of nowhere. Now then, what's your name again?"

Goombella sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. "It's-"

"Hold on," said Frankly, thinking hard. "What was it? Uh…I think it was something stupid that sounded like a cross between Goomba and portabella." The both ignored Danielle's cough that hid her snigger. "Right. Portaba!"

Goombella sighed again as she ignored Danielle's laughter behind her. "No, I was in your archeology class last semester."

"Are you kidding? Do you think that I could remember all of my students from semester to semester?" asked Frankly. "You're lucky that I remembered that blonde hair. Oh, wait, you were the one that begged me to come while wearing clown make-up. Oh Luvbi! I can't believe you fell for that!"

Goombella was now hitting her head against the wall of the house, groaning as she was reminded of her…time alone with her professor. "Anyway! We're here about the Thousand Year Door, remember?"

"Of course I remember," said Frankly, sniffing in indignation. "I came all the way out here to research it. You came too but after we were separated from the crowds, I must have spent a good three seconds looking for you. After I couldn't find you, I figured you had been murder fucked and your organs harvested so I came here."

"Organs harvest- No! I was saved by Danielle here and we came here to search for the Thousand Year Door! Some weird guys are asking about the door as well, so we should go looking for it now."

Frankly gave her a look. "Okay, look, I don't know where the door is or what the treasure even is. Every book or recorded document I've found contradicts itself on what it could be. Some say it's tons of gold and gems, some say it's an expired coupon to a back massage and some others claim it's some huge spirit of a long dead demon lord. Personally, I think it's just some old mushroom that has had a thousand years to get all dry and gross. But everything agrees on one thing, though, and that is that you need the Crystal Stars to open the door and to find them you need the magical map." He shrugged helplessly. "Without that map, this whole trip was pointless."

"We actually do have the map, professor," said Goombella, eagerly, turning to Danielle. "Well, Danielle has the map, really, but we now have a place to start."

Danielle, who had been staring at the wall in boredom, suddenly looked up when she heard her name being mentioned and pulled the map out. "Yeah, here, go nuts."

Frankly's eyes widened at seeing the map as he studied it. "Whoa, this is perfect! Lady, I instantly love you more than any student I've ever had or ever will!"

Goombella frowned and pouted a bit at that. "That's not fair…"

"Whatever," said Frankly, waving his hand impatiently. "Point is, we have a lead and we might actually be able to do something now! Perfect! I was just sitting here on my ass and doing nothing until you got here, uh, what's your name."

"She's Danielle, Professor," said Goombella, crossing her arms and looking annoyed. "You know, the famous one? The one that is taking Mario's place this parody and is the central character? The one that saves the princess all the time?"

"You know that I don't play video games and neither should you," said Frankly, rolling his eyes. He turned back to Danielle. "If we could get down into the lower city, we could search the place for the Thousand Year Door, find out where the Crystal Stars are, and hopefully find some clue as to where the princess is at the same time."

"Excited guy, aren't you?" asked Danielle as they left the house, leaving the door lying on the floor as they trooped out. Frankly grumbled a bit about needing to fix the door but he didn't seem too concerned about leaving his place unguarded in an unsafe ghetto. "Now what?"

"Now we get into the underground city that should, actually, be better built and more sturdy than anything up here." Professor Frankly kicked an old rotten wooden board in front of him and it collapsed into dust. He then gestured toward the warp pipe on the other side. "After you."

"Great," said Danielle as she made her way toward it, "I've always loved going down warp pipes when I have no clue what's been in it for who knows how many years!" She jumped in, both Goombella and Frankly following quickly afterwards.

At the bottom of the pipe, Danielle looked around to see herself in some sort of cross between a sewer and an old ruin. Old and broken buildings were everywhere and she really didn't want to find out what that smell was.

"Wow, we're here in the old city under Rogueport," said Frankly, looking around himself. "I was right, a lot of these buildings are still better than what's above us."

"So, where's this Thousand Year Door, then?" asked Danielle, only get a shrug from the elderly Goomba. "Really? You don't even have a clue when you're the one researching this thing?"

"I've never been down here before now," said Frankly, shrugging. "Oh, before I forget, we might run into some…unsavory characters down here. But, now that Goombella is in your party, you both can fight them off."

"Good to know," said Danielle as she went in a random direction, only to run into three Goombas right away. "Wow, that was convenient."

The three Goombas saw them and snickered when they saw Gooombella. "Hey baby!" shouted one, getting her attention. "Ditch the red head and the old geezer and I can show you a good time!"

"Make that two!" yelled out another of the Goombas.

"Three!"

Goombella looked disgusted as she looked ready to barf. "Wow, that is like the most…disturbing and degrading thing ever said to me. I want to actually murder all three of you now."

The first Goomba blinked at that. "Wow, that was cold bra. All we wanted was to murder rape you, no need to go all psycho on us."

"Yeah," said the second Goomba, shrugging. "I mean, I get that we're evil and everything, but that didn't mean you had to be so harsh."

"Word," said the third.

"This conversation makes no sense and I want to fight you," said Danielle, shaking her head as she got ready.

 **Battle Mode!**

 **Danielle**

 **HP: 10/10**

 **FP: 5/5**

 **Goombella**

 **HP: 10/10**

 **Vs.**

 **Goomba**

 **Spiked Goomba**

 **Paragoomba**

"Hey," said Frankly, standing off to the side as he was unable to get his old ass to actually get into the fight. "You know that you and Goombella can switch places so she can go first, right?"

Danielle shrugged and looked at Goombella. "Go nuts."

Goombella nodded and used Tattle on the Goomba. "This is a Goomba, the lowest of the low of Bowser's minions…hey! I'm a Goomba! That's just downright insulting there! Anyway, they have an HP of two an attack of one and a defense of zero. They have no special moves or anything at all, really."

"Thank you for that, it was so needed," said Danielle, rolling her eyes as she charged her hammer and attacked the Goomba, dealing two points of damage and taking out the leader.

"Holy shit, dude," said the spiked Goomba, looking at his friend. "She just killed Gary! Well, take this!" He ran up and attacked Danielle with his spiked helmet, dealing two points of damage.

"Ow!" Danielle grumbled as she saw she was bleeding a bit from that spike. "He's hard to counter." She did better against the Paragoomba and was able to counter attack. "Yeah! Eat that! Goombella, do your tattle shit."

Goombella nodded and used tattle on the spiked Goomba. "This is a spiked Goomba, in case you couldn't tell from the spike on his head, dumbass. I guess he just got back from a BDSM convention or something, I don't know. HP is two, attack is two and defense is zero. You can't jump on them thanks to their spike so you have to use your hammer against them."

"Take this!" Danielle used her hammer again and smashed the stupid spiked Goomba, flattening him and dealing another two points of damage, wiping him out as well.

"Frank! No!" The paragoomba aimed for Goombella and she blocked the move but couldn't counter attack, reducing the damage she would have received to zero.

"No counter attack?"

Goombella rubbed the back of her head sheepishly. "I really don't know much about fighting as this is one of my first real fights. I can block but countering is harder. Anyway, I'll just tattle on this guy. This is a paragoomba or a Goomba with wings…I'm kind of jealous. Wait, how does a Goomba get wings, anyway? Is it some sort of genetic mutation or…huh? Well, anyway, he has an HP of two, an attack of one and a defense of zero. You can't use your hammer on an enemy in the air so you have to jump on him. Once injured by a regular jump, his wings should vanish turning him into a regular Goomba…which is fairly sad, but, oh well."

"Finally," said Danielle, grumbling as she did a simple jump attack, doing two points of damage and defeating the paragoomba as well.

 **Battle mode over!**

"Well," said Frankly in satisfaction, "that takes care of that."

"Yeah, you better stay dead you stupid bitches!" yelled Danielle as she spat on their corpses. "You wanted to go up against the bane of Bowser and you got what you wanted."

"While I do admit that that did feel good, aren't you taking things too far?" asked Goombella, watching Danielle kick the bodies a bit more.

"Look, I don't mind Goombas, but those three were pissing me off and needed to be taken down. Not to mention that the plot needed us to fight them."

"Okay, good point," said Goombella, not wanting to argue with her. Taking another warp pipe down, they were going down a hallway that ran next to what looked to be small river.

"There's running water down here? Ha, I knew this was a sewer."

"Can we just focus on getting to the door?" Frankly asked impatiently, tapping his foot as he waited for them. "Honestly, I'm the old one here."

Collecting a mushroom and a fire flower, they went down again to what had probably been a small courtyard when the city had been above ground.

Other than seeing a weird grey thing run through some bars that were too close together to squeeze through, there wasn't much in this room other than some stairs.

 **Battle mode start!**

 **Danielle**

 **HP: 8/10**

 **FP: 5/5**

 **Goombella**

 **HP: 10/10**

 **Vs.**

 **Spinia**

 **Spinia**

Danielle raised an eyebrow at the new enemies she hadn't seen before as they looked like green spring things. "What are those?"

Goombella looked at them and used tattle. "These are Spinias. They are creatures that appear to be made out of thin papery boards and are kind of hard to describe if you haven't seen them. I recommend looking them up on the internet if you don't know what they look like. They have an HP of three, an attack of one and a defense of zero. They move fast so dodging and counterattacking might take some practice."

Danielle shrugged and did a standard jump attack on one of the Spinias, causing two points of damage.

When it came right at her, she was surprised at how fast they moved but she counterattacked at the last moment and did a point of damage, defeating it. The other one spun quickly toward Goombella, but she blocked and reduced the damage to zero.

"Okay, we are going to teach you how to counterattack at some point as that was pathetic." Danielle followed up with a hammer attack and caused two points of damage.

"Well, excuse me for not being a trained fighter," the Goomba girl huffed before using a head bonk, defeating the last enemy.

 **Battle Mode over!**

"Ugh, your arguments are giving me a migraine," Frankly grumbled, already heading up the stairs ahead of them. "And I don't even think Goombas can get those."

"And I hate this place and can only barely tolerate you, so we're even," muttered Danielle as she followed him up the stairs.

The top of the stairs had some weird panel and an open doorway so they went into the next room, where there was nothing but a black chest.

"What with the chest?"

"Who the what?" said the chest, making all three of them stare at it. "Someone's out there? About damn time, bitches! I've been locked up in here for about…a thousand years or some shit."

"A talking chest?" asked Goombella, raising an eyebrow. "That doesn't make sense."

"I show you who makes sense!" yelled the chest. "I'm going to get out of this chest and pop a cap in yo ass before railroading it bitches!"

"And now you think that since the chest is painted black, you're black," said Danielle, rolling her eyes. "That is such a racist stereotype."

"Bite my nuts, cracker! Anyway, what you doing here?"

"We're trying to get to the next room but there's a puzzle blocking the way we can't get across," said Danielle, shrugging. "Anything you know about that?"

"Uh, Danielle, can we really trust a clearly black chest about something as vital as our mission for the Thousand Year Door?" asked Frankly, before he realized what he said and banged his head against the wall. "Why did I say that?"

"Thousand Year Door, son? Oh hell no! I don't want to be mixed in with some shit like that. I would like to get out though so if you could find the key, that'd be all good."

Frankly noticed something. "Hey, this isn't even a black chest! It's spray painted black! You can see the dirty ass grey on the back!"

"Bitch, don't you be pointing out that gray! I'm as black as I can be! Just find that key and I might drop some rewards on ya."

"Oh, like this?" said Goombella, holding out a key.

"Where'd you find that?"

"It was just outside the door. I left to find it when you were insulting each other."

Taking the key, Frankly smirked. "Ha! Even the key is spray painted black!"

Danielle opened the chest and the voice inside answered. "Oh hell yes! Oh, for helping me, you're getting cursed bitch!"

Danielle suddenly found herself separated from the others and was now alone in a purple with black spotted universe, the voice the only thing with her. She growled. "Hell no, you stupid black wannabe spirit that probably just saw some gangster rappers and figured it would be cool to copy them. You limped dicked fucking bastard ass can't just curse me!"

"Too bad, just did bitch!" Danielle was suddenly hit with a series of white flashes and the voice seemed pretty smug now. "Ha! I hit you with a motherfucking curse! From now on, when you see some pedestals with an airplane symbol on it, you get to sprout wings!"

Danielle blinked, not sure if the voice was retarded or just stupid. "Oh no…don't do that…"

"Hell yeah! Have fun sprouting wings from yo back, bitch. Now I gotta run. Have to run into Snoop Chomp and get some weed by possessing his ass."

The purple and black universe folded like paper and vanished, leaving Danielle exactly where she had been with Goombella and Frankly.

"Danielle!" shouted Goombella as soon as she saw her, "where were you! You just vanished!"

"The spirit pulled me into another dimension and cursed me, apparently. Strangely, everything was purple with black spots."

"Oh great, does that mean you'll be peeing diamonds or something stupid like that?" asked Frankly.

"No, I'll apparently grow wings in specific locations," said Danielle, rolling her eyes.

"Wow," said Goombella, looking concerned but also annoyed. "What was that guy's problem, anyway?"

"No clue, but he's off to possess Snoop Chomp, so we should just keep going."

Right outside the room with the now empty chest, there was a platform with a strange symbol on it. "Huh, never really saw this symbol before. Professor?"

"Are you kidding? I stay inside even more than you do. What makes you think I would have seen something like this myself? Still, it looks like an airplane pedestal, or something. If we could glide from here, we could get to the far doorway across this courtyard thing and continue. But what are the odds of us being able to glide?"

The moment Danielle stepped onto the pedestal, it started to glow and the two Goombas instantly looked at her expectantly. She finally sighed. "Fine. Let's see if I can get this curse to work."

It didn't take long before she activated the power she had just received and huge eagle like wings burst out of Danielle's back, somehow able to go through her shirt at the same time.

"Did that hurt?" asked Goombella, wincing at the horrible noise that had come with it.

"Excruciatingly," said Danielle, wincing at the horrible pain. "You know what it feels like to take a huge dump, well, it was like that only with my back instead of my ass, and with more pain."

"Ouch," said both Goombas with her.

"Yeah, grab on."

With both Goombas holding onto her, Danielle couldn't really fly as much as glide from the upper platform onto the lower one that held the way forward. The moment they landed, the wings retracted into Danielle's back with another horrible schlinking noise and she winced again.

"Are you alright?"

"You know the feeling of taking a huge dump out your back instead of your ass with more pain and then the dump goes shooting into your back again? DO YOU THINK I FEEL ALRIGHT?"

"Hey!" yelled out Frankly, looking into the next room. "I think the Thousand Year Door is up ahead! Let's go you two!"

Danielle sighed angrily as she followed. "The moment I tire of you, Frankly, I'm throwing you into the mouth of a dragon. Just you wait, you bastard."

The next room didn't look too special other than a circular pedestal in the center of the room with a huge set of double doors that was about twenty feet tall. The doors themselves were red, glowing with power and almost pulsating as if to a large heartbeat.

The moment he saw it, Frankly ran toward the doors. "YES! FINALLY, I CAN SHOW THOSE UPSTARTS AT THE UNIVERSITY THAT I AM GOOD AT MY JOB! COME ON YOU STUPID DOOR, OPEN!" he instantly started pounding on the door, trying to tug it open.

Goombella had her head in her hands as she looked embarrassed. "Professor, you said that it would take the Crystal Stars to open the door, remember?" She sighed when she saw Frankly ignore her as he tried to bite the door open. "This is ridiculous."

Both of them watched Frankly with a combination of amusement and mortification before he finally gave up, rubbing his sore jaw. "Damn it. I thought that would work."

"You thought biting a thousand year old door that's about twenty feet tall would open it?"

"Shut up."

Goombella rolled her eyes and pointed at the pedestal in front of the door. "I take it that's where Danielle has to stand with the map."

"Anyone could figure that out," said Frankly, glaring at her. "So, let's get this over with. Danielle, stand on the pedestal with the map held out. It should reveal the location of the first Crystal Star."

"I'm going to die, aren't I?"

"Well, maybe, hopefully, yes."

"Okay then," said Danielle as she didn't hesitate at all as she stood on top of the pedestal and held the map out above her head. When she did, the map and the pedestal itself started glowing. If you've played the games, you know exactly what happened so I shouldn't have to explain it and if you haven't played the game, then what are you doing reading this?

With the short ritual over, the map had changed slightly, showing where they had to go. To the east of Rogueport, the map now showed a castle that had one main tower while two smaller ones to the side that were bent at angles…hope that's just the artist's rendition and not what the actual castle looks like! It didn't look safe at all!

"Well, what do you know," said Frankly, looking at the map. "We need to get back to my place and I'll study this more. Let's go!"

XXXXXX

"Wow, we got here fast," said Danielle, now standing in Frankly's house with him and Goombella, waiting for the elderly professor to tell them his findings. "I hate jump cuts."

"Too bad, you'll be in for a lot of them!" cried out Frankly as he gestured toward the map. "This map is leading to a place called Petal Meadows, a grassy field far to the east of Rogueport."

"Of course, the first level is always a fucking grass level," muttered Danielle, rolling her eyes. "The castle there doesn't really look like that, does it? With those leaning towers?"

"Fuck if I know," said Frankly, shrugging. "Always thought that place was odd. Everyone from there just seems so happy and cheerful all the time. It's just weird."

"Oh, by the way professor," said Goombella, getting his attention, "just remembered that we're also looking for Princess Peach. She probably got herself kidnapped again but she was last seen here in Rogueport. You haven't seen her, have you?"

"Princess Peach? What would she be doing in some idiotic ghetto like this? I mean yeah, I saw her but she left soon after that."

"She wasn't blowing her nose with the map, was she?" asked Danielle, looking at it a bit warily now.

"She was blowing her nose with something," said Frankly, looking uninterested in the conversation. "Said she had something to mail but had to finish wiping her nose with it first." Danielle looked disgusted. "Told her that Petal Meadows had some weird people running around and she might have gone off to investigate. Who knows, really?"

"How do we get to Petal Meadows, professor?"

"Just go down into the sewers again and you'll find a warp pipe that will get you there eventually. Oh, and I just remembered that along with the ritual to get the star to appear on the map, it's possible that Danielle here can perform a special move!"

Danielle and Goombella looked at him like he was crazier than they thought he was. "Right," said Danielle, slowly, "a special move. Well, let's get going Goombella-"

"NO! WE HAVE TO TEST THIS SPECIAL MOVE!"

"RUN GOOMBELLA!"

"RIGHT BEHIND YOU!"

Running out of the house, grabbing the map on the way out, they propped the still fallen door over the frame and slammed it shut, keeping Frankly from following them. "Well, that was stupid. Getting a special move for just holding a piece of paper in front of a door? Yeah, right."

"I know, it does sound stupid," said Goombella, shaking her head.

Danielle nodded and they made their way back to the warp pipe to get to the sewers. On the way there, however, Danielle frowned and looked at a gate guard near Frankly's house, preventing anyone from getting to the most eastern part of town. She was going to ignore it when a bandit came flying out of nowhere and crashed into her, sending them both to the ground.

"Ha!" yelled the gate guard, "that'll show you to try and get past me!"

Danielle pushed the bandit off of her and got back to her feet, glaring at the guard with fire in her eyes. "You made the WRONG move by sending this retard at me! I'll kill you!"

The guard (Gus) snorted as he leaned on his spear. "Yeah right. Get lost Cracker, I would flatten you and make you my bitch."

"Oh HELL NO! You did not just call me that! Why don't you come over here and show me what you got you limp dicked spear chucker!"

"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?"

"You heard what I said, spear chucker. You look like the stupid aborted baby of Oprah and Big Bird from Sesame Street and tried to go ghetto. Tell me how many Clubbas had to bash your head with their clubs to get your face like that as they should have kept going until you were actually worth looking at."

"That's it! Get over here and I'll kick your ass, you red headed slut of a Cracker!"

"Bring it spear chucker!"

"Danielle!" yelled Goombella, grabbing Danielle and pushing her toward the warp pipe to the underground, "just let it go."

"Hell no! I have to teach this retarded ass twated spear chucker what it means to go up against me!"

"Say that one more time, I dare you!"

"LIMPED DICKED SPEAR CHUCKER! SPEAR CHUCKER…!"

She was forced to trail off when Goombella pushed her down the warp pipe before following herself, leaving Gus the guard to roll his eyes, relaxing his grip on his spear.

Back down in the sewers/old city ruins, Danielle grumbled as they followed the path to the east, looking for the warp pipe to take them to Petal Meadows.

"So, you didn't actually mean all of that stuff, right?" asked Goombella as they walked, getting Danielle's attention. "All of those things you called the guard up there?"

Danielle snorted. "He just pissed me off. One of the things I truly hate are gate guards though. Stupid people trying to prevent me from going somewhere and demanding a fine just to get past…"

"What was with the whole 'Cracker' thing though? Never heard of it, to be honest."

With a sigh, Danielle explained. "Okay, so you know that Germans are called 'Krauts', the French are called 'Frogs' and the Chinese are called 'Chinks'? Well, standard European and American white people are 'Crackers' and even though I don't care too much, that guy up there was asking for it. It's a bit of a dated term today, though, so I doubt too many people still remember things like that."

"Sounds like my college campus would _love_ you," said Goombella, sarcastically.

"Ha, ha," Danielle deadpanned. "We BOTH know that college students and faculty are too politically correct for their own good. They would have a field day with words like those, just because I might call an Italian a 'Wop'."

They finally reached the end of the line where the only things around them were a few platforms rising out of the salt water in the area. There was also a white tentacle looking thing sticking out of the water near them but Danielle didn't care.

"Looks like there's a leak and salt water got in here. Yeah, that's a biohazard in a sewer. No telling what kind of sea creatures might be down here." She looked at Danielle. "So, what's up with you and the gate guard thing?"

"I just think that they're stupid stuck up jerk-asses that take advantage of people," said Danielle, getting angry. "I mean, come on! 'Ooh, I work for someone that wants to charge everyone for using this tollbooth or some shit and I don't care who I charge.' Makes me sick!" Calming down slightly, she looked at the warp pipe on one of the platforms. "I take it that that is the right pipe?"

"Looks like it." Goombella noticed too late that Danielle was about to jump into the water. "Wait, stop!"

Too late, Danielle jumped into the water, only to be forced out when a fish with sharp shark-like teeth bit her and forced her out of the water. -1 HP!

"Yeah, this region's water seemingly always have piranha plant fish called Nibbles that force a point of health from you if you fall in."

"Son of a Bitch!" In anger and frustration, Danielle pulled out her hammer and smashed the white tentacle thing, making something cry out in pain.

" **Bloop! Bloooop! Bloop, bloop!"** (OUCH! That hurt!")

With an almighty splash, a huge Blooper rose out of the water, glaring down at them.

 **Battle Mode Start!**

 **Danielle**

 **HP: 7/10**

 **FP: 5/5**

 **Goombella**

 **HP: 10/10**

 **Vs.**

 **Blooper**

"Oh great, it's one of those things that Mario/I have turned into an endangered species…by killing tons of them," said Danielle, rolling her eyes at it.

The Blooper was on the ceiling, glaring down at them from where he sat. " **Bloop! Bloop, bloop, bloop! Bloooooop!"** (Damn that hurt! Oh look, new friends! I always like helping others!")

Goombella paled at seeing the Blooper. "Danielle, that's a Blooper!"

"I know, duh."

"No, I took a class on translating other languages and Blooper was one of them! Though I got a C- in that class, I think I can tell you what it's saying."

"Oh, and what did it say, I am dying to know," said Danielle, deadpanned.

"It said it's going to rape us both!"

Danielle blinked before glaring at the Blooper. "Seriously! You're going to die you stupid idiotic son of Squidward!"

" **Bloop! Bloopity bloooop! Blooooop bloop!"** (Wait! I'm not like all those other Bloopers! Sex scares me!")

"It just said it's going to grab us and force its tentacles up our asses!"

"Oh hell no! Prepare to die! Goombella, do your Tattle shit!"

"Right. This is a Blooper, as if you couldn't have figured that out by now. These things live for one thing and one thing only, penetration. Its HP is twelve, attack is one and defense is zero. Just kill it before it does weird hentai stuff to us! Oh, and the two tentacles that are trying to get us both have three HP."

"Good, now die!" Danielle did a standard jump attack and did two damage to the left tentacle, making the Blooper wince at the pain.

" **Bloop! Bloooop bloop bloop! Bloooooop!"** (Hey! All I wanted was to make a new friend! Take this then!")

The already injured tentacle tried to attack Danielle but a quick counter attack defeated the tentacle. The other tentacle tried to attack Goombella but all she did was block, reducing the damage to zero.

"Okay, seriously, you are going to learn to counterattack if it is the last thing I do," said Danielle, annoyed as she took her turn of doing another standard jump attack on the other tentacle.

"Yeah, yeah," muttered Goombella as a headbonk finished off the other one.

With both tentacles defeated, the Blooper fell to the ground, unable to move and skipping his turn.

"Ha! Eat this you Japanese lunch/porn star!" Danielle used the Power Smash badge to use two flower points to do two extra points of damage, dealing four instead of two and dropping the Blooper's HP to eight.

"When did you get the Power Smash badge?"

"Swiped it from Frankly's house when he wasn't looking." Danielle looked pretty smug at that. "Like to see him use two flower points to boost the attack of his hammer. Oh, wait, HE DOESN'T HAVE ONE! HA!"

"I want to yell at you, but that was one of the smartest things I've seen you do so far," said Goombella as she headbonked the Blooper, dropping it to six HP.

Now that it was the Blooper's turn, he got back up and floated up before unleashing an ink attack on Danielle, forcing her to block the move with a disgusted look on her face.

"Gross, I can't tell if this is ink or an ink/piss combination! Die already!" Danielle used another Power Smash and dropped the Blooper another four HP to only two. "Finish it off Goombella!"

"No problem with that!" A simple Headbonk and the Blooper was defeated.

 **End Battle Mode.**

The Blooper looked bad before it died. " **BLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!"** (I JUST WANTED FRIENDS!" It then exploded, leaving two moving platforms allowing Danielle and Goombella access to the warp pipe.

Goombella shook her head. "It said that it just wanted our sweet virgin asses before it died! That's just sick!"

"That's a Blooper for you," said Danielle, snorting as they jumped toward the warp pipe. "By the way, how long do you think it should take to get to Petal Meadows from here via warp pipe?"

"Oh, uh, about…three hours, maybe."

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCC~"

Danielle and Goombella are on their way to Petal Meadows and the long Prologue is finally over. Will they reach the castle on the map and retrieve the Crystal Star? Only time will tell.


	2. Hooktail or Hookertail?

**Chapter One**

 **Castle and Dragon**

 **(Three hours later)**

Goombella sighed happily as they exited the Warp Pipe. They were now standing in a lush green field far to the east of Rogueport. Trees and grass grew all around them and a small stream flowed next to the path to town.

"Well, this is Petal Meadows. This is so exciting! This is the beginning of our adventure to find the Crystal Stars, save Princess Peach, and open the Thousand Year Door. Aren't you excited Danielle? Danielle?"

The auburn haired woman had only been half paying attention. She was off to the side, standing in front of tree, with her fly down. "Ah, finally. I've been holding that in for two hours and fifty-nine minutes~"

"Really?" asked Goombella as Danielle finished. "Ugh, fine, whatever. Let's just get going."

Danielle snorted. "Calm down. We have plenty of time to get the Crystal Star. Besides, you can't tell me you don't have to go after a three hour trip."

Goombella blushed, looking away. "Let's just wait until we get to town, okay?"

Nodding, they started on the path but before they could go anywhere, they heard an absolutely huge roar. Looking up, they saw it was an enormous dragon.

"ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH! I'M A DRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGOOOOOOOOOOOOON!" The massive creature didn't notice them as it flew overhead, toward a castle in the distance.

"Okay, said Danielle, smiling. "Looks like we met our first boss."

"It's a dragon," said Goombella, faintly.

"Oh relax, would you. It's the first boss in this game! How hard could it be?"

Passing some weird stone structure that sort of looked like a warp pipe and two rocks with weird shaped holes in them, they continued walking.

"Uh, why can't we go straight to the castle?" asked Goombella, looking at it in the distance. "It can't be that far, maybe a few miles at most."

Danielle snorted. "Please. There's an invisible wall that would prevent us from getting there directly. Trust me on this, the only way to get there is to start by going in the wrong direction first."

"Invisible walls? Okay, sure." After defeating random Goombas on the road, the blonde Goomba had to ask a question she had been wondering. "Ah, Danielle?"

"Hmm?"

"I just wanted to ask, what's the deal between you and Princess Peach? I mean, it's pretty obvious that she likes Mario and you're taking his place, so does that mean she likes you now or…?"

Danielle sighed, shaking her head in annoyance. "Yes, Princess Peach likes me. No, I don't like her back. I mean, yeah, she's a hot blonde and she does 'thank' me every time I save her, but she's also as smart as a tree stump and twice as dense."

"She's that dumb?"

"She can't even do elementary school math."

"Oh…how did she become princess than?"

Danielle snorted as they got out of yet another battle, defeating another paragoomba for more star points. "Her parents were rich and they got her a castle to rule over a bunch of toad/mushroom people as a present after she became a prom queen in high school. Than Bowser got a crush on her and he keeps kidnapping her in the hopes that she'll get Stockholm syndrome."

"Wow."

"Yeah, wow," said Danielle with another eye roll. "I don't like either of them, but Peach is sadly the better of two evils so I'm forced to save her all the time. Even if SHE DOES UPDATE WHERE SHE IS ON FACEBOOK ALL THE TIME!"

Luckily, they managed to get to the town after their little conversation and found that everyone was pretty much minding their own business. It was a standard town, an inn, an item shop, various houses and was surrounded by trees and flowers.

A nearby Koopa noticed Danielle and Goombella and made his way over, smiling kindly. "Hello there! Welcome to Petalburg!"

"Petalburg? Does that mean that I can battle Norman for his gym badge here?" asked Danielle, pulling out a Pokeball. "My Blaziken is ready to battle!"

"Um, no, wrong Petalburg."

"Damn it," said Danielle, putting away the ball that only existed for this one joke. "So, let me guess, mostly Koopas and Toads here, right?"

"Pretty much," said the Koopa. "This place if usually fairly boring, but we've gotten a lot of excitement when Hooktail showed up."

"Hooktail?"

"Giant dragon that lives in the nearby castle."

"Whoa, that dragon's name was Hooktail," said Goombella, nodding in thought. "We saw it flying with tiny ass wings toward the castle on our way here."

"You actually SAW Hooktail?" asked the Koopa, looking at her like she was crazy. "Huge dragon, tail like a hook, tiny ass wings that wouldn't be able to lift something that big? Yeah, Hooktail has been causing problems around here for years. There used to be a few other towns around here before it showed up but they're gone now."

"Yeah, great story," said Danielle, not really caring that much.

"Anyway," said Goombella, trying to get the story back on track. "We're looking for things called Crystal Stars. You haven't seen any have you?"

The Koopa frowned in thought. "Um…no, haven't heard of them. But, the mayor in town might know something. He's really old and Koopas his age tend to be really smart and wise so he might have heard about it. He lives in a pink house on the eastern side of town."

Both girls wrinkled their noses at that. "Pink house?" asked Goombella, "sounds hideous, but should be easy to find, I guess. Thanks for your help."

"No problem."

Deciding to stock up on items, Danielle bought a POW block and a Fire Flower.

 **Current Items: Mushroom X2, Fire Flower X2, Mystery, POW block.**

"Do you think anyone actually buys those courage shells or the softener worms?" asked Danielle as they left the shop.

Goombella shrugged. "I guess someone does or they wouldn't stock them."

As they started to head to the eastern part of the small village, they ran into a disgusting guy that looked like a purple hippo wearing a disco suit and had his hair in an afro. The moment he saw them, he came right up to them.

"Ah, two ladies for me to romanz! What can I do for you, my darling leetle cabbages?"

Danielle started gagging before rushing toward the nearby pond and emptying her stomach's contents, making the local Nibbles population pissed off. Goombella also looked green but at least she was able to keep her breakfast down.

"Ewww, you look disgusting you French disco reject! I would rather drown in a river of my own puke than ever get anywhere near you again!"

"Sacre Bleau! Such a sharp tongue, you 'ave. It 'its me in the 'eart, it does!"

"Too bad my words couldn't kill you as I'm tempted to start a battle mode right now but we have somewhere to be. Come on, Danielle."

Weakly standing, Danielle staggered to the eastern side of town and away from the French disco wannabe.

"That was…urp, disgusting…"

"Tell me about it," said Goombella, struggling not to lose the battle of her stomach like Danielle had. "Let's just find a pink house and get this over with."

There were three houses on the eastern side of the village. The largest and most obvious wasn't pink, but it did have a cute blonde Koopa girl standing in front of it. Shrugging, Danielle was going to keep going when the girl noticed them and her eyes widened.

"Oh, wow! You're Danielle! The one who's replacing Mario in this story! Look, this might sound a little fan girl-ry but can I have your autograph? I promise that I'm not a creepy fan girl, I'm just a huge fan of your games."

Since the girl wasn't going overboard in asking, Danielle shrugged. "Don't see why not, I suppose. You have a pen or-" she stopped when she saw a pen and a piece of paper held out for her, a hopeful blonde Koopa smiling sheepishly at her. "...Something? Okay then." She signed the paper. "Who is this for?"

"Koopie Koo," said the now named blonde and Danielle nodded, writing out the girl's name as well, wishing her luck in life before giving it back.

"Ohmigosh, this is perfect! Thank you! Oh, sorry, I'm sure you're used to fan girls so…I'm just going to shut up now."

Danielle actually smiled. This girl was clearly a fan but didn't want to scare her off with her kind of fan girl-ness. "No worries, I get this a lot but at least you're not going overboard."

Goombella snorted, trying to ignore what was going on. "Can we keep going? We have to find the mayor, remember?"

"Right, right," said Danielle, sighing.

"Oh, before you go," said Koopie Koo, sounding nervous to be asking anything of Danielle. "Could you talk to my boyfriend, Koops? He's such a little baby that talking to you might toughen him up a bit. He spends most of his time looking up stuff on the internet and crying over his dad that he's a bit of a cry baby."

Danielle shrugged, much to Goombella's impatience. "Oh come on, Goombella. This might actually give some meaning to this guy's life. I don't really care but it sounds like it might give this guy to the boost needed to do something meaningful."

"…Fine, let's get this over with." She turned to Koopie Koo and pointed at her eyes, then to the Koopa's, giving the gesture that the Goomba girl was watching her. Koopie Koo looked at her confused as they walked into the house behind her, wondering what the Goomba's problem was.

"You don't like her, do you?" asked Danielle, amused as they climbed the stairs to the bedrooms, where Koops probably was.

Goombella sniffed, annoyed. "Just don't like some stupid skank who actually stole my hair style. And what is up with that girl trying to get us to improve her boyfriend? I mean, he can't be that bad, right?"

"You two both have blonde ponytails," agreed Danielle absentmindedly, nodding. It was like the creators of the game had just taken Goombella's hair and put it on Koopie Koo's head, giving them the exact same hair. She doubted that there was any difference in the shades of blonde even.

When they opened the only door that light coming from the other side, they found a Koopa a little shorter than others they had seen. His back was toward him so they couldn't see his face or what he was doing, but he was sitting at a desk and seemed to be playing with action figures of Danielle herself, Bowser, Princess Peach and one of a heroic looking Koopa.

Holding the ones for Bowser and Princess Peach, he started talking in an imitation of their voices. "Rragh, Princess Peach, I have come to kidnap you once again. Soon, you will be mine to have my way with." He switched to Princess Peach's more girly tone, though it sounded too high pitched. "No, I hate you Bowser, I will never go with you!"

Leaving the Bowser one for the moment, he grabbed the Danielle figure, this time using a slightly deeper but still feminine voice for Danielle that made the real deal blink in poorly disguised disgust. "Don't worry, Princess, I have come to save you. Hi sweetie!"

Koops then pulled out the buff looking Koopa figure, this time talking in what could have been a heroic sounding voice, but mostly ended up sounding ridiculous. "Hold on, I have to come to save the princess, not you Danielle."

"What do you mean by that?" asked Koops holding the Danielle figure in the 'Danielle' voice.

"I have come to defeat you both and save the princess myself. Take that!" the Koopa figure knocked over the Danielle one. Koops then knocked over the Bowser figure as well. "And take that too, you pretender to the Koopa throne. Now, Princess, we are alone."

Taking the Princess figure, Koops switched back to the high pitched tone. "No, I hate you, I hate you, you're scary! And yet, I find myself strangely attracted to you. Kiss me!" Both figures heads were now crashing into each other, Koops making kissy sounds between them. "Yes, yes, no, yes, no, yes! Oh…your shell is so hard…"

Danielle couldn't take it anymore and she cleared her throat, causing Koops to jump so hard he bumped his leg against the desk, his figures flying everywhere with a loud crashing sound. Turning, Koops blushed when he realized who it was who was watching him. "Gah!"

Now that they could see his face, they saw that Koops looked like a standard dork. True, he wasn't wearing glasses, but he was hunched over even when he was standing like he was now. A bandage on his nose, beak, thing, he was dressed in a standard blue hoodie under his standard green shell. He…kind of looked like a sexual pervert, to be honest.

"Koops!" yelled a voice from behind Danielle and it was revealed it was Koopie Koo, who didn't look amused at what she had no doubt seen. "How many times have I told you to stop playing with your dolls?"

"T, they aren't dolls, they're action figures! And…what is Danielle doing in my room?"

"I was asked to come up here and give you an incentive to man up and stop being a loser but after seeing that, I'm tempted to just leave you here."

"Aw shucks, how much did you see?"

"More than I wanted to, that's for sure," said Danielle and Goombella together. "I'll just be going," said Danielle, heading out the door.

"Wait!" Koops tried to get up but he tripped over his chair, landing at his girlfriend's feet, who looked pissed off over something.

Koopie Koo didn't take very long as she was following Danielle and Goombella out, rolling her eyes in disbelief that anyone could be as stupid as her boyfriend. "Sorry about that," she said when they got outside again. "I came up to tell him it was time for lunch and I find him playing with his dolls again, not even noticing you were there. I should have known that he was doing something stupid."

"Why is he your boyfriend again?" asked Goombella, curious.

The blonde Koopa sighed. "Koops has always been like that, ever since we were little. We grew up as neighbors and at one point I thought him being all shy was cute. Then his father vanished about ten years ago when he went off to fight Hooktail and he got even worse, scared of his own shadow even. I really do pity him and that's probably why I stay with him but I can't take his crying for much longer."

"If you're not happy in a relationship, than you have to do something," said Danielle, nodding sagely. "Either dump him or help him, but if you've tried everything you can think of…?"

Koopie Koo nodded. "I've signed him up for seminars, talking to him, getting psychiatrists to talk to him, and even used sock puppets. Nothing's helped. Last night I heard him cry himself to sleep over his daddy. And he said daddy, not dad or any other form of the word. He's eighteen and he still says daddy."

"Sad and pathetic," Danielle agreed. "By the way, you know where the mayor's house is? We need to talk to him about this whole Hooktail thing."

"Yeah, his house is right over there," she pointed toward a pink house that was only twenty feet away, making them face palm at not seeing it earlier. "Still, thanks again for what you tried to do and good luck fighting Hooktail."

"Thanks," said Danielle as she and Goombella headed for the mayor's house. As they walked the full twenty feet to the house, Danielle nodded to herself, "she was nice."

"I guess…" Goombella grumbled, rolling her eyes as they entered the pink house.

The only thing in the house they entered that was interesting in any way, shape or form whatsoever was an extremely old looking Koopa. He had the standard green shell like all the others but he carried a walking stick and his eyebrows (I don't think turtles grow hair like that) completely covered his eyes.

The moment they walked in, the old Koopa looked around at the sound. "What? Whozat? Thieves? You've come to rob me blind, haven't you!"

Danielle and Goombella looked at each other. "No," said Danielle, slowly, "we actually-"

"Oh fine, take my money, fiend! And my antique shell too! Just leave the photos of me and the missus, don't know what I'd do without those memories."

Both girls turned green, again, when the mayor tried to take his shell off, Danielle actually seeing what old wrinkly Koopa junk looked like first hand, and had no intention of seeing it again. "We're not thieves! Put your shell back on!"

"Eh, what's that? Not thieves are ya? Well, why didn't you say so, you ijit! I guess you're explorers, then."

Goombella blinked. "Well, actually yes but-"

"And I bet you're looking for the Crystal Stars too."

Danielle raised an eyebrow. "Do you ask everyone who comes to town if they're after the Crystal Stars? Anyway, yes, we are after them."

The mayor nodded. "Good, now you'll want to take on Hooktail, surely you've heard of it?"

"Might have come up in passing once or twice," said Danielle, rolling her eyes.

"Well, the great dragon has what you're after. In order to get to it, though, you have to get something called Stone Keys to unlock the way toward the castle."

Danielle snorted. "Knew it. See Goombella? In order to get anywhere, you have to go the completely opposite direction first."

"I see it, it just doesn't make any sense is all."

"Now, to get the stone keys, you have to get to a place called Shronk Fortress. That place has the keys and then you have to figure out how to use them to get to Hooktail's castle. Why, if you managed to defeat that dragon, we would shower you with gold and praise!"

"How much gold are we talking about?" asked Danielle, her eyes lighting up.

"Oh, you don't have to do that," said Goombella, a little louder than Danielle, making the red head glare at her.

"Goombella!"

"What's that? You won't take a reward?"

"I didn't say that!"

"Well thank ya kindly, they are nice eyebrows," said the clearly delusional Koopa. "Now then, what was your name again?"

"Danielle," said the red head, sighing that she probably wouldn't get any treasure out of this other than the Crystal Star.

"Durphy?"

"DANIELLE YOU OLD KOOT!"

"Thank you for all your help there Durphy, we'll be sure to erect a statue in your honor if you manage to defeat that dragon for us."

Danielle gave a frustrated sound before throwing her hands into the air. "Fuck it! Let's just get to this Shronk Fortress. Come on Goombella."

"Oh, before you go, would you like to help the cause I set up? You see, breast cancer is such a serious issue and I'm such a supporter of it that I pained my house pink. I think I have some badges around here you can wear to show your support…" He didn't even notice that Danielle and Goombella had left shortly after mentioning breast cancer.

"You think breast cancer is a bit too dark for this parody?" asked Goombella, heading for the east gate to get to Shronk Fortress.

"Probably. I admit that its important to be aware of it, but not in a parody for Mario."

Before they could leave Petalburg for Shronk Fortress, however, they had to get through one more obstacle. One that made Danielle growl in pure hatred.

"GATE GUARD!"

The guard in front of the gate, blinked and waved at her. "Hey there! Beautiful day, isn't it?"

"You can't fool me, gate guard! The master of pure evil!" Danielle snarled, stalking up to him. "Have I mentioned that I hate gate guards with every fiber of my being?"

Goombella sighed. "Come on, he's not doing any harm. Let's just get past and-"

"Um," the guard said nerviously. "Since I didn't get any sign from the mayor yet, you can't go past."

"We just left his house! He just said we could go past!"

"Well, uh…" the guard looked nervous, "he didn't tell me personally so…"

Danielle glared at him then glanced at the gate, making her blink. "Wait, this isn't even a gate! This is just a stick propped on two other sticks!"

"Ma'am, I suggest you leave."

"Okay, how about I jump over your shitty gate!" Danielle laughed as she jumped over the 'gate.' "Ooh, what are you going to do now? I jumped over your gate!" She jumped back over to Petalburg side before jumping over it again, showing off now. "Yeah, scary gate that should protect you from monsters. It's a shitty stick!"

"That's it!" yelled the guard, now glaring at Danielle. "Either you stop or-"

"Or what? It's a shit stick that protects you from the monsters in Shronk Fortress!"

Goombella proved her point by simply knocking over the stick and joining Danielle, smiling sheepishly at the guard. "Yeah, it's just a stick."

"That's it! You're both banned from Petalburg!"

"Pfft, yeah, like I care. You think that a stupid stick is enough to protect you. Like to see Hooktail stop from a stupid fucking shit stick!"

"LEAVE!"

Danielle rolled her eyes and left toward the fortress, snickering as Goombella chased after her.

"You shouldn't have done that."

Danielle snorted. "He was a gate guard and pissing me off. Stupid mother-fucking gate guards!"

"Man, you really hate them. I am really hoping we don't run into any more after this."

"Fat chance of that since I'm sure we're going to run into at least one more."

Before Goombella could say anything, they heard a voice behind them that made them stop. "Wait! For the love of Grambi, PLEASE STOP!"

Seeing that it was Koops, Danielle sighed as the awkward Koopa rushed toward them, wheezing as he finally came to a stop. "Uh, sorry about that. I just…I had to talk to you before you go."

"Go ahead young Koopa who plays with dolls," said Danielle, grinning as Koops grimaced at that.

"They're action figures," he muttered before turning to Danielle and Goombella with a louder voice. "I…uh…I wanted to…" He stayed standing there, not saying anything as he clearly struggled to say what he wanted to say. Both Danielle and Goombella got more and more impatient as the young Koopa dragged out the silence. "…You know what, forget it. Forget me. I'll just…go…" he rushed off, but not before he tripped and fell on his face. "OH GOSH DARN IT!"

"That Koopa needs help," said Goombella, shaking her head as she followed Danielle down the path.

"Tell me about it," Danielle muttered.

The path toward the Shronk Fortress east of Petalburg was rundown and other than having Koopas as well as Goombas, it was pretty much the same as every other grassy area Mario had had to deal with. Danielle had no problem at all.

 **Battle Mode Start!**

 **Danielle**

 **HP: 8/10**

 **FP: 1/5**

 **Goombella**

 **HP: 10/10**

 **Vs.**

 **Koopa**

 **Spiked Goomba 2/2 HP**

"Oh great, I get to deal with stupid turtles now," said Danielle, annoyed at having to take on a red shelled Koopa.

"Hey, Koopas have been around ever since the original Super Mario Bros. days!" yelled the Koopa, glaring at Danielle over his shades. "Respect the longevity!"

"You listen to a retarded spiked turtle that can't keep a blonde airhead in a locked room," said Danielle, deadpanned.

"Koopas have been around for decades," said Goombella, looking at Danielle. "Anyway, I'll use Tattle. Koopas are one of the many species that Mario/you have wiped out in major genocides, just like Goombas…anyway, They have an HP of four, an attack of one and a defense of one. If you jump on them though, they'll fall on their backs like retards and their defense will go down to zero. Once on their backs, it'll take a whole turn to get back on their feet."

"Good to know," said Danielle as she jumped on the Koopa's head, flipping him on his back and hitting him again. One damage.

"Damn it! Why does it take so long to get back on my feet?"

"Don't worry dude, I'll avenge you!" The spiked Goomba ran forward and attacked Goombella, for some reason. She blocked and reduced the damage to one point.

"Okay, that hurt," said Goombella as she held her bleeding arm. It wasn't bad, but her HP was down to nine.

"Learn to counterattack, Goombella," said Danielle, rolling her eyes as she hit the Koopa with her hammer. Two damage.

"Damn it!"

"I will when you fucking teach me!" yelled Goombella, frustrated at being hit. She used a headbonk on the Koopa and wiped it out.

"Dude no!" This time the Spiked Goomba tried to attack Danielle but she used a counterattack to cause him a point of damage. "Ow."

"Die!" Danielle used her hammer and killed the Spiked Goomba, ending the battle.

 **Battle mode end!**

 **LEVEL UP!**

"Sweet!" Leveling up fully healed them both and she got the choice of choosing to boost her HP, FP or her BP. "Well, I don't have enough badges to increase my badge points and I barely have any moves that use flower points so HP it is."

 **Your HP have increased to fifteen!**

"Alright then."

As they defeated more enemies while walking, Danielle started chuckling to herself. "What are you laughing about?" asked Goombella, who finally figured out how to counterattack…finally.

"Oh, just thinking about that dragon," said Danielle, still laughing to herself. "Hooktail. What do you think of the name Hookertail? Like, the dragon is female and goes around doing stuff for money…"

Goombella paused to think about it and started chuckling as well. "Yeah, Hookertail. Not bad, Danielle."

"Hey, Hookertail, I'll pay you twenty coins for a good time," said Danielle before laughing as they entered what looked to be a one roomed structure made of dark bricks. The only thing in the room were two pedestals with statues of clefts on them and a locked gate. "Oh great, is this Shronk Fortress? We got here quick."

"No, this is just a warm up, I think," said Goombella, looking around. "I think the real fortress is ahead."

"Fuck. Okay, what do we do to keep going…wait, we have to battle these clefts, don't we?"

"Uh, they're statues."

Danielle snorted and she touched one of the pedestals. Instantly, the two 'statues' came to life and tried to attack them.

 **Battle Mode Start!**

 **Danielle**

 **HP: 15/15**

 **FP: 5/5**

 **Goombella**

 **HP: 10/10**

 **Vs.**

 **Bald Cleft**

 **Bald Cleft**

"Ah, that's how," said Goombella, nodding. "Anyway, I'll just use tattle here. These are bald clefts and just between you and me, I HATE bald guys. Like, they are one of my pet peeves, just like you and the gate guard thing."

"GATE GUARDS ARE EVIL!"

"And I hate bald guys, thank you. These guys are just small rock monsters with an HP of two, an attack of one and a defense of two. You either have to use flower points, a special move, or an item since they are immune to fire."

"Oh good, my turn," said Danielle, smirking as she pulled out a POW block. "I knew these would come in handy." Using the POW block, it created a small earthquake that not only caused both Cleft's two points of damage, instantly defeating them, but also caused the structure to partially collapse from the quake. "Okay, let's keep going."

 **Battle mode end!**

"We just destroyed an archeologist's dream," moaned Goombella as she walked through the now sort of opened door.

"Cry me a river," said Danielle, uncaringly as she kept walking. "I'm more interested in how a POW block was able to create a small earthquake like that and affect the world out of battle mode."

"I think it's just Golden Dragon Lord wanting to make a joke," said Goombella, rolling her eyes at the sky, getting nothing in return. "I would say that every item will have some effect on the regular world…well, the battle ones anyway."

"Just like I'm sure healing items will instantly heal any injuries we get. Like a mushroom would have instantly healed your cut arm, even if the level up did it for you."

Goombella looked down at her arm and, indeed, the level up did actually heal her fully. She couldn't find any trace she had been injured whatsoever from that Spiked Goomba. "Huh. Look at that."

After defeating more enemies on the path that netted them even more star points, coins and more, they got to another structure that was exactly the same as the last one. The only difference was that the monsters on the pedestals looked like two spiky balls with hollowed out eyes.

"Don't think I've faced an enemy like that before," commented Danielle, examining them carefully. "Well, lets get this started." Touching the pedestal caused both statues to come to life again.

 **Battle Mode Start!**

 **Danielle**

 **HP: 15/15**

 **FP: 5/5**

 **Goombella**

 **HP: 10/10**

 **Vs.**

 **Bristle**

 **Bristle**

"Okay, so I shouldn't jump on them obviously as they are covered in spikes, right?"

"Yep. I'll just use Tattle here…these are Bristles, a sort of offshoot of the Bob-omb family that developed spikes instead of the power to explode. Their spikes mean you can't jump on them, naturally, but they can also extend them so you can't use your hammer either. They have an HP of two, an attack of one and a defense of four, not to mention that they have a total immunity to fire or explosions. Looks like you have to use a special move or an item."

"You know, this might actually be a tight spot if there hadn't been a POW block right outside of the room," said Danielle, holding on out. "All I had to do was check the grass right outside and it was right there."

Using the item had the exact same results as the last time, defeating the monsters and partially destroying the room due to the quake.

 **Battle mode end!**

"If they were so untouchable, I would have to guess they are pretty rare or I would have heard of them by now."

"Probably," said Goombella, agreeing as they left. "If only those POW blocks hadn't caused those old ruins to crumble at least partially."

"Just be glad I didn't use a Thunder Rage or something. That would have caused the ceiling to rip open with the power of lightning bolts. At least Fire Flowers just shoot out fireballs in the direction you plant them in. Yeah, there are too many power ups and items in these games."

"What we need are the nuts from the Mario and Luigi games. Don't they heal both brothers in the same turn?"

"Yeah, but since Golden Dragon Lord only played Mario and Luigi Superstar Saga, I doubt he's going to use any of the things from that game," said Danielle, shrugging. "That final boss was tough."

Finally reaching Shronk Fortress, it was, again, a one roomed building but it was much bigger than the last two. The only things in this room were a save block and a Thromp bust.

"Goodie, let's save and then I'll touch that bust," said Danielle, smirking at the last word she said.

Goombella rolled her eyes. "Real mature."

"Thank you, I live to please in this low brow parody of a Mario game."

Danielle touched the bust and after the room rumbled for a moment, the bust's eyes opened to show that it was alive.

"Who dares disturb my slumber?"

"Kazeem, the humble thief," said Danielle, deadpanned before she snorted. "Danielle, bitch."

"Looks like we have our contestants for our super fabulous 65th annual quirk quiz!" said the Thromp bust in a game show voice. All around them, the world fell away to be replaced by an alternate dimension that looked like a quiz show.

Danielle and Goombella looked confused as they looked around, not sure what had happened. All they knew was that they were in a booth with a buzzer in front of them. "Danielle, what's going on? I'm scared."

"I have no clue and I'm right behind you on that."

"Okay, here's the rules," said their host, spinning on his pedestal. "I'm giving you seven questions. If you get five right, you get to move on to get what you came for. If not, I GET TO EAT YOU!" Danielle and Goombella gulped. "Now then, first question!

"How do you evolve a Vulpix into a Ninetales?"

Danielle blinked as that had nothing to do with Mario or this game but she hit the buzzer. "You use a fire stone."

Ding.

"Grr, right! That was too easy, This next ones will be harder. Okay, second question. What is the only game of Legend of Zelda without the Master Sword?"

"The first one."

Ding. Ding.

"Grr, correct! That was far too easy, here's the next one. Third question. What is Seymour Skinner's real name?"

Danielle had to think for a bit before hitting the buzzer again. "Arman Tamzarian."

Ding. Ding. Ding.

"Oh come on! How did you get that one right? Fine, fourth question. What is the answer to everything in the universe?"

"Forty-two!"

Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding.

"AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH! Don't tell me you got four right! Fine! The next ones will be impossible to get! Fifth question. What is the airspeed velocity of an unladed swallow? Hah! Get that one!"

Danielle frowned, not sure about the question. Next to her, Goombella got the same look before they both looked at each and grinned. "What do you mean, an African or a European swallow?"

That caused the Thromp bust to pause in his gloating and frown himself, though it was hard to tell with its stone head. "I…I don't know that! NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Without warning, the bust exploded and Danielle and Goombella were back in Shronk Fortress, now looking at a warp pipe to under the building.

Goombella laughed after they regained their bearings. "Wow, that was awesome! Too bad we had to kill that guy but that was hilarious! How do you know so much about swallows?"

Danielle smirked as she made her way to the pipe. "Well you have to know these things when you're the main character you know."

"Kind of sad that the thromp guy had to explode," said Goombella, a little sadly, "but since he wanted to eat us, I can't feel too sorry for him."

"Damn straight," Danielle agreed as she led the way down the warp pipe. When they came out, they seemed to be in dark sewer like room partially filled with water that came to their ankles. Other than a save block and two path ways on opposite ends of the room, there was nothing there. "Ew, the smell is disgusting!"

"Got that…rragh!" Goombella couldn't handle the smell and vomited into the water next to the warp pipe, groaning in the pain from her stomach. "Ugh, this is just so gross. What is that smell?"

"Fuck if I know but I've sadly smelt worse," said Danielle, gagging but not puking her guts up either. "Come on, those stone keys are probably on either side of this room, one in each direction. Let's get this over with."

Taking the passage the farthest from the warp pipe first, they grabbed the Multibounce badge first.

"Oh heck yes! This is an awesome badge!" Danielle equipped it right away, giving herself the power to jump on every enemy in a particular battle at the same time.

The passageway they had chosen led to a hallway with absolutely nothing around. They kept going and found a rock in the shape of the sun. "You think that's one of the stone keys?" asked Goombella.

"No, I think it's a magical rock that grants the Elixir of Life…of course it's a stone key!" Grabbing it unfortunately triggered a battle when what looked a black ball of yarn with eyes attacked them.

 **Battle Mode Start!**

 **Danielle**

 **HP: 15/15**

 **FP: 5/5**

 **Goombella**

 **HP: 10/10**

 **Vs.**

 **Fuzzy X4**

"Fuzzies…oh, right, these were in the first game, I think," said Danielle, trying to remember. "They weren't that tough."

"I'll guess we'll find out," said Goombella, using Tattle. "Okay, these are Fuzzies. HP is three, attack is one and defense is zero. The only real difference between these guys and Goombas is that these can suck up your HP and restore their own. So…they're like parasites sort of…EWWWWWWWW! That's so disgusting! Quick, beat these things into the ground now!"

"Way ahead of you," said Danielle as she pulled out a Fire Flower. Using it planted itself into the ground and fired fireballs all over the enemies in front of the good guys, causing three points of damage to all four Fuzzies at the same time.

 **Battle end!**

"Hah! One item and they all go down! That was awesome!"

"Yes it was!"

Looking up the stone in her inventory on the way back, Danielle raised an eyebrow. "A sun stone, really? You think I can use this to evolve my Gloom into a Bellosom?"

"Wrong game, Danielle, wrong game."

"I can dream though, right?"

Avoiding the Fuzzies in the long hallway toward the warp pipe room, they went in the other direction this time to find the exact same type of hallway. "Oh this is just stupid! Or lazy editing. Yeah, let's go with lazy editing."

Before Goombella could say anything, they were caught up in yet another battle when a random Fuzzy attacked them, only for Danielle to jump on it at the last moment.

 **Battle Mode Start!**

 **Danielle**

 **HP: 15/15**

 **FP: 5/5**

 **Goombella**

 **HP: 10/10**

 **Vs.**

 **Fuzzy: 2/3 HP**

 **Fuzzy 2X: Full HP**

"Got to love being able to attack on the field before entering battle mode," said Danielle, smirking as she used Multibounce. Using two FP, she caused one point of damage to every Fuzzy in the battle, dropping the one that had two to one and the others to two. "Hit it Goombella!"

The female Goomba used a regular headbonk that dropped the middle Fuzzy, killing it when it's HP hit zero.

"Meeooorrrk!"

The lead Fuzzy with only one HP tried to suck HP out of Danielle, only for her to counterattack and cause a point of damage, defeating the Fuzzy.

"Is it just me, or is this easy?"

Goombella couldn't respond right away as she managed to successfully counterattack the last Fuzzy, dealing it a point of damage as well. "Well, this is the first level of the game, makes sense that things would be easy."

"I know, but I wanted a bigger challenge than this," said Danielle as she pounded on the last Fuzzy, dealing it another two points of damage and dropping it like the others.

 **LEVEL UP!**

"Again?"

"Golden Dragon Lord is playing alongside writing this down," said Goombella, rolling her eyes at the sky. "He leveled up again around here so you are too."

"Sweet. I'll upgrade FP this time to bring it up to the double digits."

 **"Your FP is now ten."**

 **Battle end!**

Getting into the next room revealed a stone in the shape of a crescent moon. Knowing what to expect this time, Danielle wasted no time in grabbing it and getting yet another battle started.

 **Battle Mode Start!**

 **Danielle**

 **HP: 15/15**

 **FP: 10/10**

 **Goombella**

 **HP: 10/10**

 **Vs.**

 **Fuzzy X4: Full HP**

"And now, since I have another one of these, let's actually use it!" yelled Danielle as she used her other Fire Flower, giving her and Goombella a serious case of Déjà vu when the Fuzzies were burnt with fire balls, defeating them all.

 **Battle end!**

"That was short," said Danielle, smirking.

"Yeah, now we have to get through this mess with the smell of wet and burnt Fuzzies," said Goombella, turning green again. "Excuse me but I have to…blaaaarrrrrg! Yeah, I needed that."

"Pansy."

When they got to the warp pipe room again, they met another Fuzzy, but this one was gold, much to their interest.

"Meeoorrrrk! You think you can burn my minions and get away with it? Don't think so, chumps. Let's do this!"

 **Battle Mode Start!**

 **Danielle**

 **HP: 15/15**

 **FP: 10/10**

 **Goombella**

 **HP: 10/10**

 **Vs.**

 **Gold Fuzzy**

Goombella instantly started the battle with Tattle. "This is a Gold Fuzzy, as if it wasn't obvious enough already. Other than being gold with more HP than a standard Fuzzy, the only other difference is that they don't actually suck your HP…which is a little confusing to be honest. It's HP is ten, attack is one and defense is zero. It's pretty unremarkable so I suggest you just beat the shit out of it. How does it hide when it's gold though…seems like an odd evolutionary trait."

"And now for you to die!" yelled Danielle before she charged up a Power Smash and dealt four points of damage, reducing it to six HP.

"Meoorrrk!" The Gold Fuzzy jumped forward to attack when Danielle yawned and counter attacked, doing another point of damage. "Meeorrrk! Take this you punks!" Out of nowhere came a whole hoard of Fuzzies, completely surrounding the gold one in one huge mass. "Yeah, let's see you get me now!"

"Oh come on! That has to be cheating!"

Goombella shook her head. "Actually no, both sides can call in for reinforcements if they can. It's not against the rules."

"Thank you Jorgan Von Strangle," said Danielle sarcastically as she looked through her options. The Fuzzy hoard was protecting the gold one with a twenty HP shield of Fuzzies so beating her way through wouldn't work. Shrugging, she just did a standard jump attack on the Gold Fuzzy, doing two points of damage.

Goombella had no choice but to do the same thing, reducing the Gold Fuzzy's HP to one.

En mass, the Fuzzy Hoard surged forward but instead of them all attacking at the same time and ganging up on Danielle, they…just surrounded her and jumped on her one at a time? That was…retarded as all she had to do was counterattack or block them all one by one, which wasn't hard as not even all of them attacked.

"That was pointless."

The Gold Fuzzy tried attacking Goombella this time but she counterattacked and wiped out the last HP the bad guy had, ending the battle.

 **Battle end!**

"Well, that has to be one of the dumbest sub bosses in the history of video games," said Danielle, snorting as they took the warp pipe back up to the surface. "You think Hookertail will give us a challenge?"

"It's a giant dragon, so I hope so," said Goombella, climbing out of the warp pipe and breathing in the fresh air after being stuck in the rancid puke and wet fuzzy smell for so long. "Also, this is one of the longest first levels in history as we haven't even made it to the main dungeon yet."

"I know, right?"

It took even less time to get back to Petalburg than it took to get to Shronk Fortress and they calmly took out the few enemies that were stupid enough to attack them. When they got back to the village though, they blinked as it looked like it had been ransacked. Several buildings were on fire, large craters had been formed in the ground, trees had been smashed into kindling and several Toads were tending to the wounded.

"What the hell happened?" asked Goombella, looking around in horror.

"Either the village decided to invite the Hulk for a party, they got into a raging kegger, or Hookertail showed up," said Danielle, shaking her head as they walked into what was left of town. They didn't make it far when they ran into a familiar looking Koopa.

"Hey! Good to see you okay and kicking."

Danielle nodded. "Mind telling us what happened, Koopa that we met when we first got here?"

"Hooktail showed up while you were gone. I guess that stupid dragon couldn't resist coming back to eat someone. Luckily, it looks like only a few were hurt and the only one eaten was Alan, the gate guard."

Goombella saw that Danielle was struggling hard not to give an evil laugh, most likely ready to add lightning to her dramatic villain moment. "That's terrible! We got the stone keys so we can now get to Hookertail's castle, you know where we use them?"

"Yeah…" the Koopa paused for a moment. "Oh yeah, there's a shrine or something near the castle, next to the warp pipe to the outside world. I think the mayor said something about using the keys there. Then he started talking about breast cancer awareness and I kind of tuned him out after that."

"Understandable, my green shelled comrade," said Danielle, fist bumping him. "Let's go and murder fuck a dragon!"

The town that heard her, which was everyone, cheered. "YEAH! MURDER FUCK THAT DRAGON!"

With that said, Danielle and Goombella stocked up on supplies and they headed out.

 **Items: Mushrooms X2, Koopa leaf X2, POW block, Mystery, Fire Flower**

Once outside the now partially destroyed town, they were about to keep going when they saw that someone was waiting for them. Koopie Koo smiled as the air became slightly awkward. "Uh, hey. Look, I just wanted to tell you a few things before you go and…an offer."

"An offer?"

Koopie nodded. "I was wondering if…can you take me with you?"

Danielle crossed her arms, looking at her. "I don't know…"

"Please?" asked Koopie, ignoring Goombella's grumbling as she rushed forward. "Look, Koops was injured and I will admit I would like revenge for not only him, but for all the other people that dragon has hurt, but this is also for me too. It's not just revenge."

Koopie took in a deep breath and continued. "When I was young, I was constantly told by everyone around me that I would just find a nice guy and settle down, but I need to prove to not just them but myself that I can do more. Koops is getting more and more on my nerves and if I see him I think I'll probably go nuts and kill him. Besides, maybe he'll finally stop being a baby if I defeat Hooktail."

"And he can't do it himself?" asked Goombella, raising an eyebrow, willing to give Koopie a chance.

Koopie snorted. "You kidding? He's a cry baby and he can get pretty smothering when he needs me, which is pretty often. I need to get away from him and stop mothering him as that's not helping. I'm going to break up with him and he'll probably be okay."

Danielle shrugged but before she could do anything, there was a jingle and a ding.

 **Koopie Koo has joined your party!**

"Do I have a say in this?"

 **Koopie is a Petalburg Koopa so she has the standard Hold ability. You can shoot her out to hit switches and enemies from afar. You can even shoot her out, move around and release her later. In battle, she can attack one enemy with Shell Toss or all ground based enemies at the same time with Power Shell.**

 **Please note that you can only have one partner out in battle mode at a time and it takes a turn to switch out party members.**

"Of course I don't have a say in this. Okay, fine. Welcome to the team, Koopie."

Koopie's eyes lit up and she fist pumped. "Yes! Thank you! You won't regret this, Danielle. Together the three of us will destroy Hooktail!"

"I like using the name Hookertail, myself."

Koopie blinked before she giggled, nodding alongside Goombella. "I can see that, like, she gets money from others for a good time. Yeah, I can see that."

"Perfect, now let's go," said Danielle, ready to move out again only to be stopped by yet another shout, behind her this time.

"Wait! Oh, gosh golly, don't leave yet!" It was Koops, huffing as he tried to catch up to them right outside of the gate. He had clearly been injured by Hooktail's attack on Petalburg as his right arm was in a sling and he had more bandages on his face than usual. Koopie groaned, not wanting to talk to him and putting her hand over her eyes, wishing he would go away. Catching his breath through a stitch in his side, Koops panted, his one good arm propped on the town's gate. "I…I need to…talk to you…"

"Koops, go home," Koopie groaned, pointing back toward town. "You can't do anything right now except lie down and heal. I'll help Danielle and Goombella handle this."

"No…I can help! I have to avenge Daddy!" yelled Koops, his eyes misting as if he were going to cry.

Koopie Koo clearly tried to reign in her temper but clearly something snapped. "Koops, for the love of Grambi, GO HOME! You're injured, you can barely stand, and you're acting like a moron again. Damn it Koops! Go home before I bust your other arm to go along with the one Hooktail broke!"

"But…I can help…"

"Koops, you broke your arm rushing toward the door when you were outside and Hooktail showed up. That dragon didn't get anywhere near you and you still crashed into the door and broke your arm. What were you even doing outside anyway?"

"Um…" Koops shifted awkwardly. "…Not trying to wait for Danielle and Goombella and whizzing on a tree to pass the time…"

Koopie grimaced in disgust, as did Danielle and Goombella. Danielle might have relived herself on a tree, but at least there had only been Goombella around to see it.

"Koops…" Koopie started, before shaking her head. "No, I can't do this. We're through, Koops. I'm breaking up with you right now."

Koops seemed to stare at her in disbelief, and then his eyes started misting over even harder. "But…why…?"

"Um, maybe it's because you're about to start crying right now? I need a real partner, Koops, that won't cry every time I catch you masturbating to Simpson's hentai."

Danielle raised an eyebrow at that. "Is it to at least Marge or Maude Flanders?"

Koopie snorted and shook her head. "I wish! No, to Patty and Selma as they try and make out with each other and the Comic Book Guy."

Danielle and Goombella shuddered in disgust.

"You said you wouldn't tell anyone…" muttered Koops.

"Not only that, but Koops' dick is smaller than my clit."

"Ooh, burn," said Danielle, smirking as she high-fived Goombella and fist bumped Koopie.

"Koops, I stayed with you for so long because I thought your shyness was endearing at first, later I felt true pity for you for being so much of a crybaby, and now I'm dumping you because I can't take it anymore. Either grow a pair and man up or don't, I don't care anymore. Maybe you can find someone who enjoys dating a pussy like you sometime in the future, but it won't be me."

"Sell it sister!" yelled Danielle, Goombella nodding next to her.

"I…I….WHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Koops ran back to town, crying and balling his eyes out, snot flying from his nostrils as he tripped and fell on his face again. "GOSH DARN IT!"

Danielle looked at the sighing Koopie with an unreadable look. "Does he actually know any swear words?"

"Honestly? I doubt it." She turned to the other two. "Look, I know that was probably mean of me-"

"Nah," said Goombella, surprisingly supportive. "I get it. You didn't want to wear the pants in the relationship all the time and Koops made that impossible for you, right?"

Koopie sighed and nodded. "Pretty much. Sorry you had to see me break up with him, I was going to do it when we got back from defeating Hooktail but when he showed up, demanding to come with…"

Danielle nodded in agreement. "Say no more about that. You weren't happy, he was practically smothering you, you needed to get out." She let out a breath and looked down the road. "Well, unless anyone can think of any other reason to stall, we should head over to Hookertail castle now."

Koopie blinked before cracking a smile. "I'll have to remember that, Hookertail." Getting themselves ready to head out took no time at all and they were all heading toward the castle, Danielle grabbing the Happy Heart badge on the way thanks to Koopie's help. "So, I'm honestly curious about this. What's with you and Princess Peach?"

Danielle groaned as Goombella cackled, making the red head roll her eyes. "She's dumb and gets kidnapped all the time, I save her from Bowser as he's the worse of two evils, she gives me cake and some sex. That's it. Really."

"Really?" asked Koopie, looking surprised as they walked. "I would have thought there would be something…more."

"Nope. That's it." Five minutes later they made it to the stone structure that they had to use the Stone Keys on but Danielle sighed and leaned against the large rock first. "Anyone else want a small break? Goombella and I have been walking for hours."

"I could use a break," said Goombella, flopping down onto the grass as she relaxed against a tree.

"I guess," said Koopie, not sure what to do so she reclined next to Goombella. "So, how powerful would Hookertail be?"

"Probably not that powerful," said Danielle, shrugging. "Hookertail is the first boss in this game so the fight might present a challenge for beginners, but not to someone who knows what they are doing."

"Meaning you?"

"Meaning Golden Dragon Lord, who has played this game about fifteen times."

Koopie nodded before thinking of something else. "Oh, just thought about this but, were you a plumber like Mario?"

"Why would you want to know?"

"Just curious, trying to learn more about what I'm getting myself into, stuff like that."

"Ah. Well, yes, my back story this time does include me being a plumber for a time in Brooklyn. Hermione and I were the best of the best back then."

"What happened?"

"We found a warp pipe to the Mushroom Kingdom and we got stuck here. Turns out that it was a one-way pipe and we had to learn how to survive here in a strange world with mushroom people, fire breathing turtles and a Princess who barely knows how to tie her own shoes."

Goombella found this fascinating. "Did you try plumbing here before you turned to full time rescuers?"

Danielle rolled her eyes and nodded. "Actually yes, I did. Didn't work out though and I was forced to quit."

"Why?"

Danielle smiled and sat down herself, getting ready to tell the story. "Okay, so, I was asked to clean out this little old lady's toilet, okay? Now, while I was cleaning it, I figured I could explore a bit since any extremely talented plumber can use toilets as warp pipes. So, after the job was done I used the toilet warp pipe and somehow ended up in the bathroom in the house next door. Unfortunately, when I got out of the toilet, I noticed a little Toad girl taking a shower and I swear, I thought she was eighteen. I didn't know she was eleven! I suppose I should have realized it when I saw all the Strawberry Shortcake stickers on the mirror. Anyway, the girl screamed when she saw me checking her out and then her mom rushes in screaming 'stalker pedophile!' and then the dad shows up. The dad must have been seven foot six and about five hundred pounds of pure muscle as he grabbed me and beat the ever loving shit out of me. He slammed me into the toilet, strangled me as he tried to drown me in the shower and then had angry sex with his wife in front of me to assert his dominance over me. I died, but luckily I had like ninety-nine more lives so I was fine. I was tried by a court and the judge threw me into jail faster than anyone else ever had. Probably shouldn't have tried to imply he had a small dick when he was telling me of my list of crimes. About an hour after I was thrown into jail, though, I used the toilet as a warp pipe and escaped. Luckily, saving the princess so many times and the fact that she's as smart as a bag of wet tissue paper means that she pardoned all of my crimes so I'm free, but I can't be a plumber anymore. Even if I go back to jail, I'll just break out again because, duh, what are they going to do? Put me in a cell without a toilet?"

Goombella and Koopie were silent for a moment before they both burst out laughing, though Koopie was trying hard not to. "Okay," said Goombella, still laughing, "that was funny. I feel sorry for the girl in the story but you kind of deserved being beaten so bad if you were checking her out."

"You thought an eleven year old was an eighteen year old?" asked Koopie, struggling not to laugh.

Danielle grumbled. "Hey, I thought she was just short for her age! Not my fault that she was showering at the wrong moment. Besides I'd like to know what jobs you two have had."

Koopie shrugged. "Sure, not much to tell, though. Since I'm nineteen, I haven't had too many chances to find work. I worked as a stocker and cashier for a local clothing store for several months before Hookertail came along and burned the place down…and then the town…and all of the people. Since then, I've been forced to take care of Koops and his daddy issues but I don't have to anymore. Goombella?"

The blonde Goomba sighed and looked a bit uncomfortable. "Well, I hate to say it but I've never had a job. I'm the standard college girl where my parents pay for my tuition and everything else."

"Wish I could have gone to college," said Koopie, wistfully. "Sadly, I'm not the most wealthy and my parents died when I was younger, leaving me on my own. I had to work but I always thought I would go to college later, when I have more time and money."

Goombella nodded sympathetically. "Better than some of my roommates anyway. I at least try to do my best in classes with my parent's money, my classmates barely go to class half the time. Sounds like you know what you want to do when you're older, at least."

"Sort of," said Koopie, shrugging. "I haven't decided on a major or what kind of career I would like, but I wouldn't mind being a teacher. I love kids and I think I could pull it off."

"Good for you," said Danielle, saluting her while grinning. "You can deal with all the little munchkins and I'll stay far away from them. I'm not bad with kids but I can't handle too many at the same time."

"Yeah, it's not for everyone," said Koopie, nodding. "Koops though…I did manage to get him a job but it…didn't go well. A friend of mine managed to hook him up with a job at the local McDonalds but he only lasted a few weeks before he was fired."

"I smell a story there," said Danielle, smirking.

Koopie sighed in exasperation. "It was stupid of him. Okay, so he was flipping burgers when, apparently the sweat he had worked up got that bandage on his nose all loose."

Goombella started getting green. "Oh, I think I can tell where this story is going. I take it a customer found out?"

"Oh yeah. Really gross when the guy got an unwelcome topping on his Big Mac and he complained to the manager. To avoid being sued, they had to fire Koops and he was not happy when he came home. I had to watch him cry all night and let me tell you, that was a major turn-off."

"A real wimp," said Danielle, summing up Koops in a nutshell.

"Of course, the McDonalds was destroyed by Hookertail anyway so I had a good laugh about that, but holding Koops as he puked his guts out from the stress was not fun."

For a long moment, no one said anything, simply lost in the peaceful silence.

"Well, might as well keep going. Goombella, are you sure I can't use these Stone Keys to evolve my Gloom or my Skitty?"

"No, Danielle," Goombella sighed, shaking her head. "Completely different franchise." She was the one who took the Sun and Moon Stones and put them into the appropriate slots in the two rocks, a message appearing on the tallest rock in the middle. "And the message of Stonehenge is revealed."

"Ha, I wish."

As she was closest, Koopie read out the message. **"All those seeketh travel to Hookertail castle, seek no further. Both blocks simultaneously you must preseth to open the way. ADDENDUM: if you be beith a Petalburg Koopa, huzzah, your hold ability maketh this chore a snap!"**

No sooner had she said that when both rocks to the side of the large one moved to reveal two blue switches.

"Okay, so all we have to do is hit both switches at the same time, should be easy. I mean, we don't even need this Hold ability to do it, just have to agree to hit it at the same time," said Danielle, shrugging.

"True, actually," said Goombella. She moved so she could see both switches at the same time, Danielle and Koopie both positioning themselves to hit the buttons. "Okay, hit the switches…now!"

At the same time, Danielle and Koopie hit the switches, normally and not using the Hold ability, and the large rock shifted. After a moment, the outside of the rock chipped away on its own until it was gone, revealing a warp pipe. Another pipe appeared in the distance only a short way from the castle.

"Well, that takes care of that."

"Wait," said Koopie, now confused. "Hookertail has been here for a while and Koops's dad left to fight him about ten years ago. How did he get to the castle if he didn't use the Stone Keys? I mean, did the mayor or someone else take the keys out of the rocks after he used them and put them back inside Shronk Fortress when he didn't come back? Did he use a different way of getting to the castle and not use the Stone Keys at all? I don't get it."

"Don't think about it too hard, trust me," said Danielle, shaking her head as they entered the warp pipe.

XXXXXX

 **Hookertail castle entrance**

The castle entrance was really on the other side of an old watch post, separated by a large and broken bridge. When the heroes arrived, and stared at the huge doors in front of the castle, Goombella and Koopie swallowed. Danielle just looked bored.

"Wow, this is Hookertail castle," said Koopie faintly before steeling her nerves. "How do we get across the bridge?"

"Hmm, that is a problem, isn't it?" said Goombella, already thinking about it. Looking around, she saw a badge right below the bridge. "Hey, Danielle, what do you think that badge is?"

Looking down, Danielle nodded in appreciation. "That's the HP Plus badge. Three badge points to increase my maximum HP by five. Not the best of badges as it only works as long as it's on, but we should probably grab it anyway."

Heading down some rocks and jumping onto another few sticking out of the Nibbles infested water, Koopie used her ability to shoot out over the water, defying gravity, and grab the badge.

"Okay, that breaks a few laws of physics right there but dang if I don't care," said Goombella as they made their way back to where they had started. As they climbed back up the rocks, Goombella looked up and saw a balcony overlooking the bridge from the watch post side. "Let's see if we can get up there," she said, pointing.

Shrugging, Danielle got back in the watch post and used an old spring pad to get them to the second floor. Stepping out onto the balcony found themselves an airplane panel.

"Huh, haven't seen something like this before," said Koopie, looking confused.

"It's a panel for Danielle here," said Goombella, looking at Danielle expectantly.

The red head finally sighed after a moment. "Fine. I got cursed earlier today where I can sprout wings on airplane panels so hang on." Both party members watched as with a horrible sound, wings burst out of Danielle's back, making them wince.

"That hurt, right?"

"Very much so, yes," grunted Danielle as they held onto her and she glided down to right in front of the front door across the broken bridge. With another horrible sounding schlinking sound, the wings vanished and Danielle winced again. "I don't think I'll ever get used to that."

"I wouldn't mind wings, but that sound effect coming with it sounded horrible," said Koopie sympathetically.

"It could be like Wolverine's claws," said Goombella, trying to stay optimistic. "With his healing factor, I think he got used to the pain."

"I doubt that heavily," said Danielle, rolling her eyes as they entered the castle.

The interior of the castle looked much like any other castle Danielle had entered in her time as Mario. It was old, decrepit, and there was a ton of dust everywhere. The carpet was purple with white stars on it for some reason while the walls held shattered windows.

"Yeah, I don't think Hookertail is that big on interior design," said Danielle as they made their way in.

Almost as soon as they started their journey into the castle, they were attacked and forced into a battle mode.

 **Battle Mode Start!**

 **Danielle**

 **HP: 15/15**

 **FP: 10/10**

 **Goombella**

 **HP: 10/10**

 **Koopie Koo**

 **HP: 10/10**

 **Vs.**

 **Paratroopa X2**

 **Koopa Troopa**

"Great, flying Koopas now. Hang on." Danielle used her standard jump attack on one of the Paratroopas to send it to the ground and on its back, but not causing any damage. "What? Oh, right, one jump to knock off their wings and the other to flip them onto their backs. That sucks."

"Yeah, it is," said Goombella, "Here's the Tattle. This is a Paratroopa, a Koopa with wings, duh. You can't hit them with your hammer since in they're in the air so you have to jump on them. They have an HP of four, an attack on one and a defense of one. The same rules for them apply to both Paragoombas and regular Koopas so you don't have anything to worry about."

With that said, the Paratroopa attacked Goombella, causing her to counterattack and causing a point of damage. The regular Koopa attacked Goombella as well but she could only block, reducing the damage to zero.

"How come they're attacking me?"

"Because you're out front," said Danielle, switching their positions and jumping on the other Paratroopa, taking out its wings and flipping it onto its back as well. Goombella did the same to the last Koopa and flipped it onto its back and causing a point of damage.

The first Paratroopa was able to get back onto its feet but the others skipped their turn, unable to move.

"Wow, this battle is actually taking a while," said Koopie, who was on the sidelines watching. "You sure I can't help?"

"It takes a turn switch out party members and Koopas need a jump on their heads or a POW block for their defense to go down to zero," said Danielle as she jumped on the first enemy, making him go onto his back again with yet another one point of damage to his total. "I suppose I could use a Fire Flower, but I want to save those for an actually dangerous enemy."

It took a lot of turns of Danielle and Goombella jumping and headbonking the various Koopas the moment they got back onto their feet but eventually the battle was over, none of the good guys taking any damage.

"Sweet Grambi and Luvbi, that battle took forever," said Danielle, bored at the whole thing.

 **LEVEL UP!**

"Again?"

"Remember? You level up at the same point that Golden Dragon Lord did when he played and he leveled up again here."

"Fine. Badge points I guess. I'm going to level up one more time in this castle anyway, just you wait."

 **Badge points are now at six.**

 **Battle mode end!**

After defeating an annoying Koopa as well, they went into the next room where they had to deal with a small puzzle including Koopie's hold ability and rising blocks. **(AN: There is no way I'm putting in everything from the games, especially the small puzzle elements).**

The next room they unlocked held nothing but the skeletons of various Koopas that had perished. Goombella scrunched up her nose before she sneezed. Rubbing her nose, she frowned.

"Man, there's a lot of dust in here. The various skeletons around here don't help either."

Koopie grimaced as she looked around, agreeing. "As much as it's probably sacrilegious to my people, I have to agree that the skeletons are creeping me out. And it's disgusting." Before anyone could say anything, Koopie blinked at seeing one of the skeletons on the floor. It had blue boots on, implying that it was a rare blue shelled Koopa before it died and it was holding a piece of paper. "Oh, Koops's dad had a blue shell. You think the note it's holding is important?"

"Couldn't hurt to try," said Danielle, uncaringly.

Koopie nodded, taking the piece of paper from the skeleton. "Let's hope this wasn't Koops's dad, he was actually pretty nice to me when I was younger." She cleared her throat and read out loud. "' _To any reading this note, please know that I tried my best to defeat Hooktail. I came to rid the land of the foul dragon but it is too crafty for me, preventing me from continuing. Already mist veils my eyes and writing is becoming harder. I was able to discover the beast's weakness, however. Hooktail hates anything that starts with 'Cri' and ends with '-icket.' Somewhere in this castle is something that has to do with this weakness. When the beast looks to be on the verge of defeat, it will use any trick to save itself. To win, do not fall to your kinder nature. My last thoughts go to my son. Kolorado, you were a stupid and arrogantly naïve twit! You would jump into a volcano if it meant getting what you wanted! Just know you little bastard that the world would be infinitely better without you!'"_

Koopie looked at the others and all three burst out laughing. "Well, looks like that wasn't Koops's dad after all," said Danielle, snickering. "I met Kolorado on my last adventure and he did jump into a volcano to get treasure. Stupid bastard."

Goombella smiled and shook her head. "I'm trying to become an archeologist and even I know to not jump into a volcano. Kolorado is known to be an embarrassment in my field of research. I know Frankly hates his guts."

"I knew that guy was okay if he hated Kolorado," said Danielle, smirking. "Come on, we have to keep going."

Koopie nodded, kicking over some bones on her way to keep up with the others, not caring anymore that they were remnants of deceased Koopas.

When they got to the other side of the room, they saw that the door was blocked by the skeleton of another Koopa. This skeleton's bones were red, however, and looked more menacing.

"Great," muttered Danielle as she kicked the bones to the side uncaringly. They were about to move on when the bones shook.

"You clearly don't value your lives if you have come to this place." The red skeleton moved and reformed like a zombie, its eyes glowing an unholy yellow light. Koopie screamed and hid behind Danielle.

"Zombies! I've seen this on the late show. They'll hold us down and devour our innards, then they'll eat our brains and leave our bodies for the buzzards!"

The red Koopa skeleton turned to her. "That's disgusting! We're just going to make you Game Over."

"No flipping way!" said Danielle as she pulled out her hammer. "I've dealt with the dead before and you're not going to stop us!"

"ATTACK!" yelled the Red Bones.

Out of nowhere, hundreds of animated skeletons filled the room, pushing the heroes everywhere but not entering them into a battle mode. "Hey! Get off!"

"DANIELLE! KOOPIE!"

"GOOMBELLA! DANIELLE!"

Danielle used her hammer to smash and bash the skeletons all around her, sending them flying everywhere she went. Spotting the Red Bones, she charged forward and crashed into it.

 **Battle Mode Start!**

 **Danielle**

 **HP: 15/15**

 **FP: 10/10**

 **Goombella**

 **HP: 10/10**

 **Koopie Koo**

 **HP: 10/10**

 **Vs.**

 **Dull Bones X4**

 **Red Bones**

"Good, Koopie, you're out first," said Danielle as the female Koopa entered the battle first.

"Oh, wow, I think this is the first time you're choosing me to go first so far," said Koopie, blushing slightly.

"Hey!" said Goombella, standing on the sidelines a little annoyed. "How am I supposed to Tattle on them if I'm not in the battle?"

"Let me handle this," said Danielle, choosing her options. "Got it, Koopie, go first and use Power Shell."

"Okay, I guess." Koopie used three flower points to hit every enemy, dealing a single point of damage to every enemy. In one move, every Dull Bones was defeated. "Wow, how'd that happen?"

"Skeletons have a notoriously low HP in every video game ever," said Danielle as she used two more flower points to deal a power smash on the Red Bones, doing three points of damage.

The Red Bones, panicking, actually built another Dull Bones to help its army.

"Okay, now I'm switching you with Goombella," said Danielle, the two party members switching places, costing Danielle her turn. "Go for it."

Goombella, beaming brightly, used Tattle. "This is a Dull Bones, the skeleton of a Koopa before it became animated with dark magic. It has an HP of one, an attack of one and a defense of one. It can throw bones at it's opponent but not much else, to be honest."

The Dull Bones threw a bone at Danielle, who blocked it easily. The Red Bones did the same thing at Goombella and she counterattacked, knocking the bone away and reducing the damage to zero, but not actually doing anything else.

Now her turn, Danielle smashed the Dull Bones with her hammer, causing a point of damage and wiping it out. Goombella used Tattle.

"This is a Red Bones and I have to wonder if it drank Kool-aid all it's life to get its bones that red. More powerful than the Dull Bones, it has an HP of five, an attack of three, and a defense of one. When it's all alone it will build more Dull Bones to help protect itself so you have to wipe them out first before you focus on it. The scary part is that if you drop its HP to zero, it will rise again a couple of turns later like a zombie! But using fire or explosions would defeat it for good. Like they always say, kill the supernatural with fire!"

The Red Bones wasted its turn building another Dull Bones.

"Koopie Koo, you're up!" Switching partners again, it didn't take long before the blonde Koopa got the message and used Power Shell again, defeating both opponents at the same time and ending the battle.

 **Battle mode over!**

All of the Dull Bones in the room left like little pussies, leaving the room clear of skeletons and the door way free. Koopie shuddered a bit from the sight of all of the zombie Koopas but managed to somewhat get over it by the time they left the room. She still shuddered. "I really hate zombies."

"With all of the skeletons in this castle, I think we'll run into a lot of them," said Goombella, frowning.

"Great," said Koopie, sarcastically as they walked through the next room without doing anything.

The next room they came across was a dungeon with various cells embedded into the wall. Other than a Dull Bones and Paragoomba, there wasn't much here other than a red switch.

"What's the difference between a blue and a red switch?" asked Koopie.

"A blue switch can only be hit once and the effect happens right away. A red switch is similar but can be hit multiple times so it has to do with a puzzle in this room," said Danielle, offhandedly. Curious, she hit the red switch in the corner of the room and the bars of one of the far cell opened. The bars slammed shut again on their own a few moments later, however. "Yeah, looks like we finally have to use Koopie's Hold ability."

"Really?" asked Koopie, smiling at the idea of being useful. "Okay then, let's try!"

Danielle rolled her eyes but shot Koopie forward like she had before, but this time she 'held' it and she and Goombella made their way to the cell door. When they were positioned just right she, 'let go' and Koopie shot back toward the switch and hit it, raising the bars long enough for them to go through before the bars shut again.

"Wait, now Koopie is trapped on the other side of the bars!" shouted Goombella, wondering why Danielle didn't seem concerned. Danielle gave her a look before gesturing toward Koopie, right next to them and not trapped on the other side of the bars. "What? But…how?"

"Koopie is in my party," said Danielle, like that explained everything. In a way, it did. "I can't be separated from you two for long."

Goombella was still spluttering about the break in physics when they looked into the formally blocked off room beyond the cell. Other than a large black chest, the room was empty.

"Seriously, another one of these?"

"I say, who's there?" asked the chest in an upper class British accent. "Is there someone there?"

"A talking chest?" asked Koopie, raising an eyebrow as she examined it. "Wait, this isn't even black, it's paint! It's gray on the back!"

"Do you really have to point out my issues?" asked the chest, sounding slightly annoyed. "I've been waiting here for a thousand years and no one has ever heard me. If you can, then you must be brave heroes sent to rescue me!"

"Uh, sure, something like that," said Danielle, crossing her arms at the chest. "We ran into a black chest before and it ended up cursing me so why should I do anything?"

"Another Black Chest? Oh, that must have been my uncouth cousin. Always trying to be a gangster, that one. So uncivilized. I do promise that I will not curse you, however, so if you could find the key, it would be most appreciated."

"Well, at least you have manners," said Goombella, rolling her eyes. "The last one did nothing but insult us. So, where's the key?"

"I believe it might be in the next room." They looked at the door to a new room they hadn't noticed yet. "It's a simple black key so you cannot miss it. Thank you in advance for this too."

"Eh, why not?" asked Danielle, making her way to the door in question. "Might get something out of it and it will probably help defeat Hookertail. Might as well."

The other room looked…odd. It was large, gray, and had various holes in the floor in what looked to be a strange pattern. In the very center of the room had a small treasure chest that probably held the key.

"This is…too easy," said Goombella, looking around with a frown. "There has to be a catch."

"There usually is, but I'm too bored to care," said Danielle, shrugging. "I mean, other than taking on Hookertail, this whole first level is kind of a let down for me, and we haven't even taken on the dragon yet."

"Nothing really gets to you, does it?" asked Koopie.

"Eh, first levels are always way too easy for me. The fact that this is a turn based RPG instead of having real time combat and we have snore fest for me."

Moving toward the chest, Goombella looked around and frowned. "Guys, I really don't think we should open that chest. Key or not, I think this whole room is trapped."

"And how do you expect us to move on if we don't spring the trap?"

Goombella didn't have an answer to that and could only watch as Danielle opened the chest and grabbed the key inside.

The moment the chest had opened, a grinding sound could be heard and sharp metal spikes popped out of the holes in the floor. Koopie gulped as she looked up. "Look!" The ceiling, also covered in spikes that hadn't been there a moment ago, was slowly coming down, ready to crush them.

Danielle said what they were all thinking. "RUN!"

Finding that the spikes in the floor had created a maze, they quickly ran in what they thought was the right way.

"KEEP GOING!"

"WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE I'M DOING!"

"DEAD END! THIS WAY!"

"NO, THIS WAY, THIS WAY!"

On the other side of the door, in the room with the black chest, the door suddenly burst open and Danielle, Goombella and Koopie rushed out, landing on top of each other in their blind panic and need to get away. A few seconds after they crash landed to safety, they heard a boom as the ceiling crashed into the floor, signaling how close they came to death.

"WHAT THE BLEEDING FUCK WAS THAT!" yelled Danielle, staring at the door in horror. "That could have caused an instant Game Over for us! This is the first level of the game!"

"That, that was way too close," said Goombella, breathing hard as she also looked around with pure terror on her face.

"That was…so awesome!" yelled Koopie, standing and whooping in excitement. "Grambi, that was so cool! The heart beating hard like that, the rush, the pure adrenaline rushing through your veins! I never got that with Koops or any other time in my life! Let's do that again!"

Danielle groaned as she slowly stood up as well. "Great, your first adventure outside of your village and you're becoming an adrenaline junkie."

It took a few minutes to calm Koopie down from her 'danger high' but the blonde Koopa had realized that it wasn't the time nor the place for her new addiction.

"Did you happen to the find the key, dear chaps?" asked the black chest. "I could use a bit of breathing room in here."

"Yeah, yeah. Wait, did you know about the traps in the other room?" asked Goombella, glaring at the chest.

"I've been here for a thousand years, dear girl. I haven't a clue what's outside my little prison." Danielle rolled her eyes and opened the chest, the lock vanishing as well as the key once used. "I have to say I…am glad such idiots like you were so easily fooled!"

Danielle barely blinked before she was, again, separated from the others in a purple dimension with black spots everywhere. Growling, she shouted at the sky. "Fuck you, you limped dicked cock fucker! There's no way in hell I'm letting you curse me too!"

"Too bad my little ducky," said the voice, with a lot of its upper class gone so it merely sounded British, mocking British at that. "No matter how many times you try and find your way out of this castle, you will never make it! Every choice you make will result in your horrible demise! I'll even throw in a free curse for no charge!"

"FUCK YOU!" Danielle winced as she was hit by multiple flashes of white light and the voice cackled.

"Ha! From now on my little ducky, you can sweat butter any time you want!"

Danielle blinked and looked around her again, not sure she heard that right. "I'll…sweat butter?" Was this guy really _that_ retarded?

"Yep. Do you understand your eternal punishment for all time now?"

The red head simply pretended to swoon. "No, please, anything but this…"

With one last final laugh, the voice vanished and the dimension folded up and vanished like a piece of paper again, leaving Danielle standing with the others in Hooktail castle.

"Danielle!" shouted Koopie, looking at her new friend in a panic. "What happened?"

"Oh, I got cursed again, no biggie."

"What is it this time?" asked Goombella.

Danielle sighed. "I can now sweat butter any time I want to." She didn't have to wait long before both of her party members were now laughing, rolling on the floor laughing. "Yeah, yeah, jokes on me. Let's just get out of here and defeat Hookertail already."

When they got to the bars again, they quickly realized that they couldn't use the Hold ability of Koopie's to get through again. "Great, now what?" asked Goombella.

Danielle frowned before she concentrated. A few moments later all three of them were covered in butter, making Goombella and Koopie cry out their disgust.

"Eww," whined Koopie, seeing that her entire body was covered in it, even her hair. "This is disgusting!"

"Suck it up," said Danielle, using her new state to squeeze through the bars fairly easily. "I think it's the only way to get through these bars now." She stopped when she noticed something in another jail cell, checking it out while the other two got through the bars as well.

"What'd you find?" asked Goombella, trying to wipe the butter off herself to no success.

Danielle had a disgruntled look on her face when she came back. "Something that should help, I guess. Come on, I think I saw a key a few rooms back that was behind a jail cell that we can get now."

As they back tracked, they quickly discovered that when Danielle didn't want the power active, she could focus again for a moment and all the butter would leave their bodies by expelling it far away from them. That might be the reason there was about five pounds of butter simply lying around the castle floors for no reason by the time they were done.

As they kept going with their new key and solving more logic puzzles, Koopie frowned as she pulled out her phone. "Just thought I could check on my Facebook page and saw that Koops hasn't unfriended me yet. How sad is that?"

"Pretty sad, actually," said Goombella as they walked. "Has he updated his page yet?"

Koopie nodded. "He has. He still hasn't changed his status to single yet, like I'm doing now, but you should see his emotional status right now." She held up her phone and revealed that Koops had a sad emoticon as his status. "Hang on." She refreshed the page and the sad emoticon changed to three crying ones. Koopie shook her head. "Such a baby."

"How do we even have a signal here?" asked Danielle, a bit absentmindedly as she finished off another Dull Bones as they passed through one of the towers, ending a Battle Mode. "This is an old castle, how is there Wi-Fi here?"

Using Koopie's Hold ability to hit a small block while standing on a large one, the large one started to rise into the air. Koopie joined the other two on the ride up, stopping when they reached another platform. Seeing that the way to the right was locked, they went through the door on the left.

The new room they were now in was clearly a storage room in one of the towers. The nearby window was missing its glass and the room itself was filled with various boxes and barrels. Also in the room was what looked to be a thief dressed like a ninja and a red mask that covered the top half of her face.

Turning at the sound of the door opening, it was revealed that she was a Squeek or a Mouser, a mouse girl with her tail making the shape of a heart at the end. She smirked at the heroes at being caught.

"Well, what do we have here? More people just snooping around, huh?"

Goombella blinked before scowling at the mouse girl. "What are you doing here, miss thief? If you're after the Crystal Star here, don't bother!" Danielle and Koopie glared at Goombella, who realized what she said and face palmed. "Damn it."

The thief snickered and smirked. "Ah, don't be sorry sweetie, I'll be sure to file that information for later. But this Crystal Star is your thing, not mine. I got what I came for and that's more than enough for Ms. Mowz."

"The globetrotting badge thief?" asked Koopie, eyes widening. "I've seen a few articles about what you've done."

"Glad to see my reputation precedes me." Ms. Mowz came up to Danielle and the red head raised an eyebrow when they were face to face now. "Also glad to meet such a cutie like you, Red. I'll be sure to remember you."

"What-?" that was as much as Danielle could say before she was cut off when Ms. Mowz captured her lips with her own, engaging them in a fierce lip lock. It was so unexpected for her that Danielle didn't have any chance of returning it before the mouse girl had already pulled away.

Goombella was now growling and was being held back by Koopie, desperately trying to claw Mowz's face off. "Just try that again you damn floozy! I'll yank off that mask and shove it up your ass!"

Ms. Mowz looked faintly amused by the threat from her new perch on the windowsill. "Red, if you're trying to take down Hooktail, I hear you need something in this castle. There should be an item that should help you. Maybe you found it already, maybe you haven't, but it's your best chance. Have fun and hopefully we'll meet again soon." She then let herself fall out of the window where she probably ninja jumped to safety.

Goombella finally grumbled as Koopie let her go. "Stupid whorish floozy."

"Well, at least she was nice enough to warn us about Hookertail," said Koopie, smiling awkwardly. "Danielle?"

Danielle was busy tasting her mouth, frowning slightly. "I'm tasting cheese."

That only made Goombella angrier but she didn't say anything as they looted the room and found not only a key, but also a few other healing items.

"That everything?"

"I think so."

Danielle nodded as they left the room. "Good, I think we're getting near the end of this dungeon."

Going through another room where they had to solve another logic puzzle that combined the butter and the wing curses, they went up another tower and finally found themselves outside. They were on a walkway across the roof of the castle to the last tower in front of them, which had to be the largest in the castle.

"Figures a dragon would live there," said Koopie, narrowing her eyes as they entered another battle mode.

 **Battle Mode Start!**

 **Danielle**

 **HP: 12/15**

 **FP: 4/10**

 **Goombella**

 **HP: 9/10**

 **Koopie Koo**

 **HP: 10/10**

 **Vs.**

 **Paratroopa HP: 4/4**

 **Koopa X2 HP: 4/4**

 **Spiked Goomba HP: 2/2**

"Just…wonderful," said Danielle. "Alright, you morons, eat this!" She did a standard jump attack on the Paratroopa, flipping it onto its back as a normal Koopa.

"Yeah, I got this," said Koopie as she used their last POW Block and did two points of damage to all enemies, killing the Spiked Goomba and flipping the other two Koopas onto their backs, forcing them to skip their turns.

"Ha, nice job Koopie," said Danielle, smirking. "You want the honors?"

"Oh, thank you," said the blonde Koopa as she used Power Shell, wiping out the last of their HP bars.

 **Battle end!**

 **LEVEL UP!**

"Called it," said Danielle, "I knew I would level up at least one more time in this dungeon. Since I'm up against a dragon next, might as well upgrade my HP again."

 **Your HP is now at twenty.**

"Yay…"

When they finally reached the large double doors to the largest tower in the castle, all three of them looked at each other.

"Okay, we all ready for this?"

Goombella nodded and Koopie, while nervous, did so as well.

"Okay," said Danielle, "badge and item check before we take on a mother fucking dragon."

 **Current items: mushrooms X4, mystery, Ultra shroom, Koopa leaf, something that will defeat Hookertail (I'm not telling!)**

 **Current badges: Power Smash, Close Call**

"Let's do this!" said Danielle as they opened the door and walked in.

The room itself was large and circular, probably meant to be a laboratory or something similar. None of the windows had glass in them and other than the dragon, the room was completely empty.

Hookertail was in the middle of the room and…it was actually rather curious how the dragon was able to get into this room as it was way too large for the doors or the windows so…how? The dragon itself was huge, completely dwarfing our heroes, with red scales, tiny wings and a hook like tail.

The large red dragon blearily looked at them and raised an eyebrow. "Well, what do we have here? A tasty snack willingly offering themselves to me?"

Danielle snorted. "Don't think so, you retarded overgrown lizard. I'm here to kill you, take the Crystal Star, and then shit on your grave."

Hookertail actually chuckled at that as the dragon fully stood over the heroes, looking down at them. "You really think you have a chance against a dragon?"

"Um, duh," said Danielle, snorting. "I'm the main character! You're the first boss in this game! Of course I'm going to win this Hookertail."

Hookertail's eyes narrowed as Koopie and Goombella hid behind Danielle. "What did you call me?"

"What? Hookertail? That's your name, isn't it? You do stuff for money and-"

"AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH! WHO TOLD YOU I WAS A HOOKER WHEN I WAS YOUNGER? I WAS YOUNG AND STUPID BACK THEN! I'LL KILL YOU! START THE FUCKING BATTLE MODE ALREADY!"

 **Battle Mode Start**

 **Danielle**

 **HP: 20/20**

 **FP: 10/10**

 **Goombella**

 **HP: 10/10**

 **Koopie Koo**

 **HP: 10/10**

 **Vs.**

 **Hookertail (Snirk/gigglesnort)**

"EVEN GOLDEN DRAGON LORD IS LAUGHING AT ME! THE TEXT ABOVE PROVES IT! I'LL MOTHERFUCKING KILL YOU!"

Danielle rolled her eyes. "Yeah, yeah. By the way, I'm curious, are a chick or a dude? I can't tell with your voice and there is no way I'm checking your underside to find out."

"I'M A GIRL!"

"Hah! Hookertail…Right, let's get this started."

Danielle pulled out her secret weapon she got right after she got cursed by the second cursing chest and didn't tell anyone about. It really wasn't so much an item as an…annoying summon, that she'll never use again.

The summon instantly got to work.

 ** _"When you wish upon a star_**

 ** _makes no difference who you are._**

 ** _Anything your heart desires_**

 ** _Will come to you."_**

Hookertail instantly started gagging the moment she heard the song. "Wait are, urp, you using a, burp, cricket!"

The bug in question jumped around to smile at Danielle and the other heroes. "Hello there. Jimminy Cricket is the name. Always remember, let your conscience be your-"

"Uh, yeah, whatever," said Danielle, interrupting him. "Just wondering, but why were you in that chest from earlier?"

"Oh. Well, when Sora, Donald and Goofy were passing by here a while ago, they must have left me in that chest when you came along. Not sure why they haven't come back for me but I'm sure they won't be gone long. Until then, I'll help you out here."

Hookertail still swallowed. "Please, I hated that Disney movie! The songs and everything else sucked donkey ass!"

 **Hookertail's attack and defense down by one!**

Danielle smirked and charged up a Power Smash, bringing Hookertail down to sixteen HP. "Ha! Goombella, do your Tattle thing."

"Tattling is a bad habit, young lady," said Jiminy, glaring at Goombella now.

The goomba girl ignored him. "This is Hooktail, or as you like to call her, Hookertail-"

"That's not a nice thing to say miss."

"-and that's all I'm about to say on the subject. Attack is five, defense is one and health is twenty. Basically, look out for everything from stomp attacks, bites and fire breath. Oh, and she apparently hates anything starting with 'Cri- and ending with '-Icket.' I suppose we found it, huh?"

"Ugh," said Hookertail, groaning from her sick stomach now. "I'll kill and eat you quickly to get rid of that annoying cricket." Used fire breath to cause four damage to both Danielle and Goombella, though somehow Jiminy survived with no problem.

"How did you survive that?" asked Danielle, coughing up soot as she patted out her now partially burnt clothes.

Jiminy shrugged. "I have a force field around me that protects me from attacks. How else do you think I survived Sepheroth attacking Sora those times?"

"Good point." Danielle used her turn to charge up a Power Smash and caused four points of damage, dropping Hookertail to twelve health.

 ** _If your heart is in your dream_**

 ** _No request is too extreme._**

 ** _When you wish upon a star_**

 ** _As dreamers do._**

"No, my stomach is seriously hurting now! By Grambi I hate that song and that movie!"

 **Hookertail's attack and defense is down by one!**

Goombella switched out with Koopie, thus wasting her turn.

"Eat this for making me listen to that shitty song!"

Hookertail brought her giant claw out and smashed it into Danielle's face, who wasn't able to stop it in time doing three damage.

"Okay, ow!"

 **Danielle**

 **HP: 13/20**

 **FP: 6/10**

 **Goombella**

 **HP: 6/10**

 **Koopie Koo**

 **HP: 10/10**

 **Vs.**

 **Hookertail (12/20)**

"I am really loving Power Smash since I could do it all day!" Danielle used another two FP and did another four points of damage, bringing Hookertail down to eight.

 ** _"Fate is kind_**

 ** _She brings to those who love_**

 ** _The sweet fulfillment of_**

 ** _Their secret longing."_**

"Why can't I crush that stupid bug?" Hookertail growled out in pure hatred. "I'm going to burn that thing up, crush it, burn it again and take a dump on it!"

 **Hookertail's attack and defense is down by one!**

"You should learn manners young lady!" shouted Jiminy, who by now everyone wanted to kill.

"Bite my glorious scaly ass! I'll destroy you as soon as I deal with these shrimps!"

"Oh, wow," said Koopie, who finally got to attack this time. "This is so exciting and…WHOO!" Koopie used Shell Toss and caused two points of damage, making Hookertail only have six HP left. "Yeah! I am loving this!"

"I take it she's an adrenaline junkie," Hookertail commented.

"Eh, I think she's starting to get there," Danielle shrugged.

"Yeah, well, DIE!" The giant dragon shot another burst of fire and only did two points of damage to Danielle and one to Koopie. "Huh?"

"Yeah! Eat that!" Koopie shouted, jumping up and down in excitement. "I have a defense of one! Next turn, you won't be able to hurt me!"

"Oh son of a bitch!"

"Yeah, Power Smash!" Danielle did another four points of damage, but only having two FP left. "Eh, she only has two HP left anyway. This battle is over. Go for it Koopie!"

"Hey," said Jiminy, jumping up and down in his annoying way. "I still have to finish my song!

 ** _"Like a bolt, out of the blue_**

 ** _Fate steps in and sees you through_**

 ** _When you wish upon a star_**

 ** _Your dreams come true."_**

 **Hookertail's attack and defense down by one!**

"How come you don't sing that in Kingdom Hearts?" asked Danielle, ignoring Hookertail still whining about her upset stomach. "That would actually make you somewhat likable…maybe."

"What? I am likable."

Koopie and Goombella rubbed the backs of their heads. "Not really," said the blonde Koopa next to Danielle. "Hate to say this, Mr. Cricket, but I think a majority of players just used you to look up the Trinity Marks and the Dalmatian puppies in the various worlds. No one ever read your other entries."

"What?"

Danielle nodded. "I know for a fact that Golden Dragon Lord hated you in Chain of Memories since you just kept appearing in that game. And you never said anything worthwhile either."

"Well, I never-"

"And you were also useless in Kingdom Hearts II," said Goombella, getting into the conversation now. "Since there were no Trinity Marks or Dalmatians in that game, the only thing your journal was good for was seeing what you had to do if you didn't play the game for a few months."

"And even then, most gamers would either figure it out quickly enough or just start a new file," said Danielle, getting where Goombella was getting at. "Anyway-"

Koopie used Shell Toss and wiped out the last two HP Hookertail had.

"Oh…good work, Koopie."

Koopie preened slightly, proud of herself for wiping out Hookertail herself; even if Danielle did most of the hard work.

Hookertail groaned as she struggled to remain standing. "Wait! I might be down but don't end my game yet! If you let me go, I promise to not hurt anyone in the area anymore and I'll even give you 1,000 coins. What do you say?"

Danielle looked at the others and shook her head. "Nice try, but my maximum is 999 coins in this game. Besides, this room is barren, you don't have any coins."

"Oh, then…I'll give you this ultra rare amazingly awesome badge! It's one of a kind and super powerful. How about it?"

"Nah, I'm good."

"Hmm…I'll have sex with you."

Danielle laughed. "Tempting, but I plan on fucking your dead corpse and you're just proving that you are a Hookertail!"

"…Fine. You're not a very trusting person, are you? I'll just have to…" Danielle didn't see it coming but Hookertail did a stomp attack on the floor and created a mini earth quake, causing Jiminy to go flying and into Hookertail's mouth, prompting her to swallow him!

 **Hookertail recovered 10 HP!**

"Oh, that's just not right," said Koopie, a little green as their secret 'weapon' was eaten.

"Ha! Now my strength has returned to me!" The large dragon grimaced. "Damn, I'm going to feel this in the morning. I got really bad stomach cramps the last time I ate a cricket."

Danielle grunted. "Well, at least she didn't eat anyone in the audience." She looked right out the fourth wall at the viewers and smirked. You know who she was referring to. "Anyway, looks like you signed up for more pain!" she charged in with another power smash and dropped Hookertail's HP to six again. "Koopie, hit me with a Koopa leaf!"

Koopie pulled out the leaf from their shared inventory and threw it to Danielle, using her turn to restore their FP by three. "Where did you even get these? They're only found in Mayor Kroop's garden."

"I know. I stole a few leaves before we left. He owes it to me after he tried to talk to me about breast cancer awareness."

"Ugh, finally, my turn," said Hookertail as she blew fire at both opponents, getting her strength back without Jiminy around now, causing two points of damage to Danielle and one to Koopie.

 **Danielle**

 **HP: 9/20**

 **FP: 3/10**

 **Goombella**

 **HP: 6/10**

 **Koopie Koo**

 **HP: 7/10**

 **Vs.**

 **Hookertail (6/20)**

"I really should put you in front of me," said Danielle idly to Koopie. "With your defense, it would be like having a shield in front of me. Ah well." Using two of her three recovered FP, she used another power smash, dropping Hookertail down to two HP again. "And you can finish her off!"

"Right!"

"No, wait-" Hookertail didn't get to say anything more before Koopie used Shell Toss again and wiped out the last two HP. The large dragon was clearly struggling to stand now. "No, no, no. So many meals I could have had. So many things people could have given me for my cooperation. I…" Hookertail keeled right over onto her back and fell over, twitching occasionally as she died.

 **Battle Mode Over!**

Now out of battle mode, Danielle, Koopie and Goombella were back in the tower and standing over the still twitching Hookertail. Danielle smirked. "Awesome! We did half of our muderfucking the dragon plan!"

Before Goombella or Koopie could say anything, there was movement in Hookertail's throat and a blue shelled Koopa was spat out, looking disgusting from being inside a dragon for so long. Koopie recognized him instantly.

"Kooply?"

"Who? What? Oh, Koopie Koo, good to see you. By Grambi, you've grown up."

Koopie shook her head. "Guys, this is Kooply, Koops's dad and the one who vanished for about ten years." She turned to the older Koopa. "How did you survive for so long?"

Kooply's eye twitched. "I did things in there. Things that no Koopa should ever have to do. Things that will haunt me for the rest of my life." He then brightened as he seemingly put his ordeal behind him that fast. "I came to face this dragon about ten years ago and I almost won, you know. But then, well, she tricked me and while we were having sex, she swallowed me whole!"

Koopie's eye twitched. "You…were fucking a dragon?"

"She offered."

"Riiiiiight," Koopie drew out, not sure what to say now. "Well, Koops should be pretty happy now. We kind of thought that your game had ended."

Kooply snorted. "I can't let my game end that quickly." He made a proud stance as he stood in front of them. "Now that I'm free from Hookertail, I will return to my life long ambition!"

"And that would be?"

"Having sex with at least one type of girl in this world!" Koopley posed, proudly. "There are so many! Koopas of course, Goombas, Shy Girls, Chomps, Lakitu's, Spiny's, and more!"

Koopie raised an eyebrow as she shook her head. "What about Koops' mom? I mean, I know she died a while back but-"

"She was a bitch and I cheated on her all the time. I mean, yeah, she as a great lay, but I needed someone who was solely focused on meaningless sex."

"Anyway," said Goombella, trying to get them back on track, "we came here to find something called a Crystal Star. Have you seen something like that around here?"

"Hmm? Oh, you mean something like this?" Kooply pulled a star out of his inventory, or his butt, either one. "I found this sparkly gem in Hooktail's gut and it provided all the light I needed as I was forced to commit horrible acts to keep myself alive. Luckily that dragon kept eating Koopas…well, I guess this rock would do you more good than me. You can take it."

Goombella grinned as she took it.

 **You have obtained the Diamond Star! Your star power has increased to two! You can now use the special move: Power Quake!**

"Well," said Koopie, "let's get back to Petalburg for now? Danielle, what are you doing?"

Danielle had been approaching the dead form of Hooktail with an odd expression. "Remember when I said I was going to muderfuck this dragon? Well, we did the murder part and I don't go back on my word."

"Danielle!"

Kooply laughed. "Careful not to fall in that huge crater!"

"Will do, Koops' dad!"

And so, Danielle and party had braved the dreaded Hookertail castle and retrieved the first Crystal Star, the Diamond Star. Still, there is no sign of Princess Peach. Truly this adventure is just beginning as there are six more Crystal Stars out there.

"HOW DID SHE FALL IN?"

"You really have no idea how big the vagina a dragon has, do you?"

 **END OF CHAPTER!**

 **Tell me what you think and if I should continue this. I had fun writing it.**


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